Thursday, November 30, 2006

Food for Today

A Teacher in an Elementary school loves to cook and every morning she will ask the students what kind of meat they ate after she let them taste whatever she cooked.

First day, after cooking a chicken, she let the students taste the chicken meat that she cooked and then asked the students a question.

Teacher: Class, what kind meat did you eat today?

Students: Chicken Mam!!. Chicken. All most all of them at the same time.

Next day, the teacher cooked "Beef" then asked the students the following morning what kind of meat they ate.

Teacher: Class, what kind of meat did you ate today?

Students: Beef!!.. Beef Mam (all the same time again).

The 3rd day she cooked a "deer meat" then asked the students the same question.

Teacher: OK class, what kind of meat are you eating today.

Since that is the first time they eat a deer they can't tell what kind of meat they are eating. The Teacher decided to give them a clue. Class, I will give you a clue, this is how your Dad call your mom in the morning. One of the students shouted on top of his voice and told his classmates,

Student: Spit it out!!.. spit it out!!.. IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!... Spit it out!!!....

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

KEYS ME by Alyssa Alano of Viva Hotbabes

The way she sings, the way she looks, all I could say is... She is a good dancer...




Related Video:
Alyssa Alano's Full Version of "Whenever, Wherever"

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Better Ride

The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God.

God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Four Lessons Every Employee Should Know

LESSON NUMBER ONE:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


LESSON NUMBER TWO:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot him out of the tree.

Lesson:

Bullshit may get you to the top but it won't keep you there.


LESSON NUMBER THREE:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.


LESSON NUMBER FOUR:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and
does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD.

It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little
perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers:

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man
screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only
choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare
disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

"Stupid Amelican docta, > always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes",

says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"