pinoy's weakest link...
Host: What "N"(narra) is the Nat'l tree of the Phils?
Contestant: niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice)
NIYOG!!!
********************
Host: Saang "B" (bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: sa Back?
Host: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (luneta)
Contestant: Likod?
Host: hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng Modern name
niya (Rizal park)
Contestant: Rear Part? (susme!likod pa rin yun!!)
*****************
Host: Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hinde, pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini.
Contestant: BEERHOUSE!
****************
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw
ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Si MR. CLEAN!
***************
Host: Anong "S" (salbabida) ang ginagamit na Floatation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hinde! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito Lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?
intsik and taxi driver...
Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati?"
Taxi Driver: " Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
Intsik: "Bakit, di ikaw sama?"
Secret...
Girl: Love, what's your valentines gift to me?
Boy: SECRET!
Girl: How sweet naman, you want it to be a surprise.
Boy: Gaga! Secret, para sa kilikili mo!
Mahal mo ko...?
Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife! : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Kano at tindera
Sa airport canteen..umorder and isang amerkano.
Kano: Miss, will you give me one few two.
Tindera: What, Sir?
Kano: I said one few two.
Tindera: Ah, puto!
Kano: Yeah, thats right!
(Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tanga! puto lang, pino-few two few two pa! Gagantihan ko siya.)
Tindera: Okay, Sir What do you like? few la? or few ti?
lagyan ng "S"
Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !
Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
~~~~~
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
~~~~~
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
~~~~~
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
~~~~~
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
~~~~~
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
~~~~~
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Pinoy Jokes: Scientific Evidence
Isang pogi at milyonaryong Americano ang nag decide na manirahan at mag-asawa sa Pilipinas. Nais niyang makapagasawa ng Pilipina na may puting bulbol kayat nagpa advetised siya sa newspaper. Pakakasalan niya ang sino man na pilipina na may puting bulbol. Dahil mayaman at pogi maraming Pilipina nag hangad na maging asawa ang Americano ngunit wala sa kanila ang hinahanap ng Americano. Isang araw naisip ni Maria na kulayan ng puti ang kanyang bulbol at ipinakita ito sa poging Americano. Dahil dito ay pinakasalan siya ng poging Americano. Araw araw ay kinukulayan ni Maria ang kanyang bulbol para huwag siyang mabisto ng kanyang asawa. Ngunit ang inaasahan ay naganap, isang araw nalimutan niyang kulayan ang kanyang bulbol. Kayat ng gabing makita ito ng asawang Americano, ang Americano ay nagalit at idinimanda si Maria.
Nang nasa loob na sila ng korte, unang nagsalita ang abogado ng Americano. Ang Abogado ng Americano ay inabot ng 15 minutos bago natapos ang kanyang paliwanag. Habang nagsasalita ang abogado ng Americano ang abogado naman ni Maria ay nakaupo at may hawak na isang itlog na ipinupukpok-pukpok sa kanyang noo.
Abugado ng Americano: Ngayon mahal na hukom, nais ko namang marinig ang paliwanag ng panig ng nasasakdal na si Maria Dela Cruz.
Abugado ni Maria: Kagalang galang na Hukom, hindi naman sa pinapanigan ko ang aking cliente na si Maria dela Cruz, Ngunit! tingnan nyo po ang itlog na ito na ipinopukpok-pukpok ko sa aking noo sa loob ng labing limang minutos.
Habang ang Abugado ng nagsasakdal ay nagsasalita, Nangitim ang aking noo. Iyan pa kayang dalawang itlog ang pupukpok-pukpok sa bulbol ni Maria sa loob ng limang taon, bakit hindi mangingitim iyan!
Hukom: Case dismissed!!....
Nang nasa loob na sila ng korte, unang nagsalita ang abogado ng Americano. Ang Abogado ng Americano ay inabot ng 15 minutos bago natapos ang kanyang paliwanag. Habang nagsasalita ang abogado ng Americano ang abogado naman ni Maria ay nakaupo at may hawak na isang itlog na ipinupukpok-pukpok sa kanyang noo.
Abugado ng Americano: Ngayon mahal na hukom, nais ko namang marinig ang paliwanag ng panig ng nasasakdal na si Maria Dela Cruz.
Abugado ni Maria: Kagalang galang na Hukom, hindi naman sa pinapanigan ko ang aking cliente na si Maria dela Cruz, Ngunit! tingnan nyo po ang itlog na ito na ipinopukpok-pukpok ko sa aking noo sa loob ng labing limang minutos.
Habang ang Abugado ng nagsasakdal ay nagsasalita, Nangitim ang aking noo. Iyan pa kayang dalawang itlog ang pupukpok-pukpok sa bulbol ni Maria sa loob ng limang taon, bakit hindi mangingitim iyan!
Hukom: Case dismissed!!....
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