Laughter, Quotes, Reality, and Life

Funny Marriage Quotes

2007-02-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste....
~David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.... .
~Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ...
~Socrates

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~Sigmund Freud

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.....
~Dumas

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me....
~Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
~Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.....
~Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.....
~Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.....
~Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.....
~Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy....
~Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH.....

AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

Think Before You Speak

2006-12-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen, Who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of
disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw
you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread
his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did He have to leave the set, but half the crew did too
they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we
all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak

Alyssa Alano's Full Version of "Whenever, Wherever"

2006-12-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

She is serious here.. that's how she pronounce the lyrics..

Watch the interview...

Related Video:
"Keys Me" By Alyssa Alano

Food for Today

2006-11-30T10:07:00.000-08:00

A Teacher in an Elementary school loves to cook and every morning she will ask the students what kind of meat they ate after she let them taste whatever she cooked.

First day, after cooking a chicken, she let the students taste the chicken meat that she cooked and then asked the students a question.

Teacher: Class, what kind meat did you eat today?

Students: Chicken Mam!!. Chicken. All most all of them at the same time.

Next day, the teacher cooked "Beef" then asked the students the following morning what kind of meat they ate.

Teacher: Class, what kind of meat did you ate today?

Students: Beef!!.. Beef Mam (all the same time again).

The 3rd day she cooked a "deer meat" then asked the students the same question.

Teacher: OK class, what kind of meat are you eating today.

Since that is the first time they eat a deer they can't tell what kind of meat they are eating. The Teacher decided to give them a clue. Class, I will give you a clue, this is how your Dad call your mom in the morning. One of the students shouted on top of his voice and told his classmates,

Student: Spit it out!!.. spit it out!!.. IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!... Spit it out!!!....

KEYS ME by Alyssa Alano of Viva Hotbabes

2006-11-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

The way she sings, the way she looks, all I could say is... She is a good dancer...

Related Video:
Alyssa Alano's Full Version of "Whenever, Wherever"

The Better Ride

2006-11-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God.

God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Four Lessons Every Employee Should Know

2006-11-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

LESSON NUMBER ONE:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON NUMBER TWO:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot him out of the tree.

Lesson:

Bullshit may get you to the top but it won't keep you there.

LESSON NUMBER THREE:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

LESSON NUMBER FOUR:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Mongolian VD

2006-11-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and
does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD.

It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little
perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers:

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man
screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only
choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare
disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

"Stupid Amelican docta, > always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes",

says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

Secrets of Good Relationship

2006-09-09T03:58:00.000-07:00

ANNIVERSARIES
Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is
a triumph.

APPRECIATION
Let each other know how much you appreciate each other.
You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.

BEST FRIENDS
Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfriend.
Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one.
Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems.
Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged.
The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.

BOND
Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone w/ each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.

CHANGING EACH OTHER
Don't marry an as...le, j.... or a bi.... (an unsuitable person) You'll never change each other.

COMPLIMENTS
Always compliment each other.
This will prevent feelings of resentment & thinking that one is being taken for granted.

DATE
Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together.
Make time & continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction

DIFFERENCES
Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences, appreciate them.

FIGHTS
Fight w/the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other.
The longer you extend the fight. The more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were w/ your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes & thinks you're hot.
Hear each other out, don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles.
Make sure the fight will be worth it & that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.

FLAWS
Know that the perfect person does not exist.
Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.

FUN
Have fun together! This means keeping the fun & spontaneity that was there in the early days.
Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together, pee w/the door open etc. Being able to make each other laugh & see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle & opposing viewpoints.

GOALS
Make sure you have similar goals.
It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.

GRUDGES
Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.

KEEPING IT HOT
Keep it hot by traveling to diff. places together.
A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.

HONESTY
Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.

KNOW EACH OTHER
Learn each other's interest. It really keeps the conversation flowing!

HUG
A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.

IDENTITY
Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love w/you.
Have separate interest & activities to keep your individual, & to be able to contribute more to the relationship.

INDEPENDENCE
Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.

IN-LAWS
Make rooms for the in-laws.

INTENTIONS
Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst

ISSUES
Speak up about the awkward stuff now,like money & sex. The earlier, the better.

LISTEN
Listen, listen, listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.

LOOK GOOD
Mind your appearance! Stay fit & healthy for each other.

LOVE
It all boils down to your love, chemistry & respect for each other.

MEMORIES
Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before.
It may even be corny but it made you two together.
Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.

MIND READING
No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.

NEEDS
Be good to yourself,then be good to your partner.
That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy?
Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings.
Be very attentive & sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you.
Never take your partner for granted.

PRIORITIES
If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!

SPACE
Give each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out.
If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married.

SORRY
Say sorry when you're wrong.

SURPRISES
No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.

TEAMWORK
Think for two & always work as a team.
Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you.
Strengthen couple power.
In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship in favor of our individual selves.

SUPPORT
Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions,
support your partner in his/her decisions & create new ones together.
Two heads are better than one.

TALK
Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast & its easy to see how easily couple can grow apart.
Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it & have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life, even by email if you have to.

Communication is the main ingredient in successful long relationships.
Share your feelings w/o judgments or criticism, active listening,
then working up to a discussion for problem solving. It takes continuous effort & learning.

It's Dark in Here...

2006-09-09T02:17:00.000-07:00

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
Man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Jim's Physical Defect

2006-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But, prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is.....7 pounds, 5 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

First Grader Boy Got Promoted to College

2006-08-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having
trouble with one of her students the teacher
asked,”Boy, what is your problem?”

Boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the
principal’s office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal
looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms. Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of
my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment “Legs.”

Ms. Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?”

Boy: “Pockets”

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a
T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer…

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort
of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You
tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with
me when you’re bored. The best man always has
me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and
took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not
well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends
in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends
in ‘K’ & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of
it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope
doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they’re married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone
but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping,
& is responsible for making love ?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, “Send this Boy to the University, I got
the last ten questions wrong myself!”

Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Applying for a Job at Walmart

2006-08-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?" Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT . It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'Tang Ina (SOB) , sir, I had olreydi shit in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

2006-06-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Love making once every 10 days

2006-06-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceilin
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt
you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,playing video games etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Can I Get Pregnant?

2006-06-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty."

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, then her classmate Dyoknoy who is standing behind her gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

The true meaning of Marketing

2006-06-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

Very simple really!!!!

Dave's Birthday

2006-05-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

Dave works hard at his job, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

15 Ways to Live Longer

2006-05-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

1. Don't Oversleep

Here's a reason not to hit the snooze button anymore: Sleeping too much can reduce life expectancy, according to a February 2002 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study found that people who sleep more than eight hours per night had a significantly higher death rate than normal. But late-night-party-goers shouldn't rejoice: researches say that sleeping less than four hours also increases death rates. People who sleep between six and seven hours per night were shown to live the longest.

2. Be Optimistic

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., found that optimistic people had a 50% decreased risk of early death compared with those who leaned more toward pessimism. The results, published in the August 2002 issue of Mayo Clinic Proceedings, make sense: Those with a positive outlook on life are probably less stressed, better equipped to deal with adversity and, consequently, healthier. Optimists also tend to have lower blood pressure than pessimists, which, again, is most likely related to how positive thinkers respond to stress.

3. Have More Sex

No complaints here. There's decent evidence that sex helps keep us healthy, and thus increases longevity. But according to researchers, it's not necessarily an actual biological response generated by sex that makes us live longer. What's more likely is that having intimate sex means you are less stressed, happier and better rested--all factors that can lower blood pressure and protect against stroke and heart disease. A study published in the April 2004 Journal of the American Medical Association found that "high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer."

4. Get a Pet

People who own pets, especially dogs, have been shown to be less stressed and require fewer visits to their physicians than non-owners. Survival rates for heart-attack victims who had a pet have been shown to be 12% longer than for those who did not have one, according to one of the first studies dealing with the impact pets can have on our health, led by researcher Erica Friedmann. Pet owners have also been shown to have lower blood pressure. The reasons are most likely related to an array of psychological factors, such as the facts that owning a pet decreases loneliness and depression, encourages laughter and nurturing, and stimulates exercise.

5. Get a VAP

It's estimated that about half of the people with heart disease--the No. 1 killer in the U.S.--have normal cholesterol levels, which raises serious doubt about the ability of traditional cholesterol tests to detect risk. But more advanced cholesterol tests, like the VAP test, made by the Birmingham, Ala.-based lab Atherotech, may remedy that. VAP measures important metrics that traditional tests miss. Regular tests only detect half of the people with heart disease, while the VAP has been shown to detect 90% of heart disease patients. That's important because lipid abnormalities can most often be rectified with medication and dietary changes. And the sooner you start making changes, the better.

6. Be Rich

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 24% of Americans whose family income is less than $20,000 are "limited" by chronic disease, whereas only 6% of people with an income of $75,000 or more have this problem. In general, population groups that suffer the worst health have the highest poverty rates and the least education. One possible explanation: Higher incomes permit access to better food and housing, safer neighborhoods and increased medical care. Higher incomes also increase the opportunity to engage in health-promoting behaviors. Of course, being a chief executive certainly exposes you to a high level of stress that can decrease life expectancy. But according to the data, striving to be financially comfortable is a good goal for aspiring centenarians.

7. Stop Smoking

To say that smoking is bad for your health is, of course, not revelatory. But it still cannot be denied that quitting can significantly improve your prospects for a long life. Middle-aged men who are long-term, heavy smokers face twice the risk of developing more aggressive forms of prostate cancer than men who have never smoked, according to findings that appeared in the July 2003 issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers and Prevention. According to a recent study in the Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics, cigarette smoking has been clearly linked to the most common causes of death in the elderly.

8. Chill Out

A study led by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in 2002 found that men classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease than men who reported lower anger responses. They were also over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55. One possible explanation is the correlation between anger and high blood pressure, a condition that commonly develops in highly stressed individuals. The lesson is simple: Try as much as you can to let unavoidable, everyday stresses roll off your shoulders.

9. Eat Your Antioxidants

Antioxidants, substances that are found in foods ranging from cinnamon to blueberries, can scavenge free radicals, compounds whose unstable chemical nature accelerates the effect of aging on our cells. Until these excess free radicals are quenched by antioxidant molecules, cellular damage accumulates. This contributes to an array of degenerative diseases, including atherosclerosis, Alzheimer's and cancer. Research shows that certain types of beans (kidney, pinto, black) are among the best sources of antioxidants, while blueberries and other berries follow close behind.

10. Marry Well

While the phrase "marry well" is typically used to describe people who marry someone rich, we are talking about something entirely different: genetics. Apparently, longevity genes can be inherited. According to a February 2005 study in Mechanisms of Aging and Development, exceptional longevity and healthy aging is an inherited phenotype across three generations. So, for the single people out there, pick a spouse whose grandparents are still alive. This won't make you live longer, but it might help your children.

11. Exercise

Get up and start moving. Not only does exercise help us maintain our weight, it improves our cardiovascular health, strengthens the bones and increases endorphins in the body--hormones that give us energy, make us happier and help ward off stress and disease. "If you don't use it, you lose it," says Dr. Merl Myerson, director of cardiovascular prevention at St. Luke's/Roosevelt Hospital in Manhattan. "We find that active people will do better, live longer."

12. Laugh a Little

Laughter reduces levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. It also releases endorphins that work as pain killers and gives your blood circulation a boost. Not to mention it relaxes blood vessels and keeps a person from being angry--a significant predictor of heart disease. "The higher you score on anger and hostility, the greater the likely hood you'll have a heart attack," says Dr. David Fein, medical director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.

13. Lose Weight

For people who are overweight or obese, life is a ticking time bomb. They have increased risk of heart disease and several types of cancer, along with higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes--a condition that is becoming an epidemic in the U.S. "The real way to lose weight is to cut back on food intake," says Dr. David Fein, Medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey. "People are under the impression that they can exercise weight off, but exercise is a means to maintain weight.

14. Manage Stress

Everyone has stress to a certain degree, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The key is to recognize what the big factors are in your life and how to mitigate them. Constant stress produces high levels of cortisol, which has been shown to impair cognitive functioning and weaken the immune system. "I think stress kills more people than just about anything else," says Dr. David Fein, medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.

15. Meditate

According to Dr. Woodson Merrell of Beth Israel Hospital in New York City, the most powerful healing tool for stress and prolonged life is meditation. It clears the mind of thought and lets a person concentrate on tranquility. Fifteen minutes of meditation has been shown to produce a much more relaxed state of mind than one hour of the deepest sleep. Even starting the day with just two minutes of meditation can be beneficial. Sit with your spine erect and try to quiet your thoughts; it may help to concentrate on one word.

More Health Links...

Scary Story: The Mystery of the Book

2006-05-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

My friend lives in Taal (small town in Batangas) where trees and highland areas mostly surround it. One evening he went to town (Batangas City) for a movie with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting very late. He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark and creepy that night.

As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking street peddler selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when he noticed this pale old person staring at him. The old person said, "Son, why do not you get a book ... it will keep you company".

My friend acted brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection ... his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?"

The old person replied, "Well son ... that ' s an interesting book...its PhP 500."

My friend was shocked and said "But ... but .... that ' s so expensive... "The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He quickly rummaged through his pockets and found PhP 450. "T-t-this ' sall I have " he said. The old guy replied, "It ' s okay, son.... you can have the book for that price. " As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the old man called out to him and said, " Son ....whatever happens, don ' t you ever flip the book to it ' s last page ... remember these words ...or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, " Dad ... mom...are there any new booksellers nearby?"

"Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a creepy old man that appears only at night during a full moon and then disappears just as mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he comes from but many have become victims in his wake... why son?"

"N-nothing ... just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his room. Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep.

At midnight, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages of the book to its last page!!!!! For a while, he laid in bed - frozen in
fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on the last page.

Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book. As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and fainted ... This is what he read on the last page:
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Retail Price: PhP 50.00

Husbands for Sale

2006-05-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor! sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth!

Pinoy Jokes: Sari-sari

2006-04-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

pinoy's weakest link...

Host: What "N"(narra) is the Nat'l tree of the Phils?
Contestant: niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice)
NIYOG!!!
********************
Host: Saang "B" (bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: sa Back?
Host: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (luneta)
Contestant: Likod?
Host: hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng Modern name
niya (Rizal park)
Contestant: Rear Part? (susme!likod pa rin yun!!)
*****************
Host: Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hinde, pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini.
Contestant: BEERHOUSE!
****************
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw
ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Si MR. CLEAN!
***************
Host: Anong "S" (salbabida) ang ginagamit na Floatation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hinde! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito Lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

intsik and taxi driver...

Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati?"
Taxi Driver: " Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
Intsik: "Bakit, di ikaw sama?"

Secret...

Girl: Love, what's your valentines gift to me?
Boy: SECRET!
Girl: How sweet naman, you want it to be a surprise.
Boy: Gaga! Secret, para sa kilikili mo!

Mahal mo ko...?

Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife! : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Kano at tindera

Sa airport canteen..umorder and isang amerkano.

Kano: Miss, will you give me one few two.

Tindera: What, Sir?

Kano: I said one few two.

Tindera: Ah, puto!

Kano: Yeah, thats right!

(Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tanga! puto lang, pino-few two few two pa! Gagantihan ko siya.)

Tindera: Okay, Sir What do you like? few la? or few ti?

lagyan ng "S"

Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !

Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano ba ang ulam ?

Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

Little Johnny Jokes

2006-04-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

~~~~~

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

~~~~~

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

~~~~~

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

~~~~~

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

~~~~~

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

~~~~~

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

~~~~~

Mathematical Formula to Explain Women

2006-04-12T01:49:00.000-07:00

This is the mathematical formula to explain women:

Pinoy Jokes: Scientific Evidence

2006-04-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

Isang pogi at milyonaryong Americano ang nag decide na manirahan at mag-asawa sa Pilipinas. Nais niyang makapagasawa ng Pilipina na may puting bulbol kayat nagpa advetised siya sa newspaper. Pakakasalan niya ang sino man na pilipina na may puting bulbol. Dahil mayaman at pogi maraming Pilipina nag hangad na maging asawa ang Americano ngunit wala sa kanila ang hinahanap ng Americano. Isang araw naisip ni Maria na kulayan ng puti ang kanyang bulbol at ipinakita ito sa poging Americano. Dahil dito ay pinakasalan siya ng poging Americano. Araw araw ay kinukulayan ni Maria ang kanyang bulbol para huwag siyang mabisto ng kanyang asawa. Ngunit ang inaasahan ay naganap, isang araw nalimutan niyang kulayan ang kanyang bulbol. Kayat ng gabing makita ito ng asawang Americano, ang Americano ay nagalit at idinimanda si Maria.

Nang nasa loob na sila ng korte, unang nagsalita ang abogado ng Americano. Ang Abogado ng Americano ay inabot ng 15 minutos bago natapos ang kanyang paliwanag. Habang nagsasalita ang abogado ng Americano ang abogado naman ni Maria ay nakaupo at may hawak na isang itlog na ipinupukpok-pukpok sa kanyang noo.

Abugado ng Americano: Ngayon mahal na hukom, nais ko namang marinig ang paliwanag ng panig ng nasasakdal na si Maria Dela Cruz.

Abugado ni Maria: Kagalang galang na Hukom, hindi naman sa pinapanigan ko ang aking cliente na si Maria dela Cruz, Ngunit! tingnan nyo po ang itlog na ito na ipinopukpok-pukpok ko sa aking noo sa loob ng labing limang minutos.
Habang ang Abugado ng nagsasakdal ay nagsasalita, Nangitim ang aking noo. Iyan pa kayang dalawang itlog ang pupukpok-pukpok sa bulbol ni Maria sa loob ng limang taon, bakit hindi mangingitim iyan!

Hukom: Case dismissed!!....

100 Things Men Should Know About Women

2006-03-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.

13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28

12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.

11. She likes one of your friends.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

Pinoy Jokes: Walang Ari!

2006-03-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

Putol ang titi ng Boyfriend ng Princesa ngunit nagkamali ng pagkakaintindi ang princesa. Sa tuwing sasabihin niya sa Princesa na wala siyang ari ang akala ng Princesa ay mahirap laang siya. Ipinilit ng Princesa na magpakasal sila kahit wala siyang ari.
Nang unang gabi ng kasal nila ay natuklasan ng Princesa na wala palang Titi ang Boyfriend niya at ito ang pilit na ipinaliliwanag ng kanyang Boyfriend bago sila ikasal. Dahil dito, nagalit ang Princesa at pinalayas ang boyfriend na walang ari. Pumunta sa kuwadra ng mga kabayo at kinuha ang pinakamaliit at payat na payat na kabayo at ibinigay sa Boyfriend niya.

Princesa: Sige dalhin mo ang kabayo na ito at ikaw ay pumunta sa bundok at huwag na huwag ka nang bababalik dito.

Habang nasa bundok ang boyfriend ng princesa at nakasakay sa payat na kabayo ay may nakakita sa kaniya na isang Ermitanyo. Naawa sa kaniya ang Ermitanyo matapos niyang maikuwento ang dahilan kung bakit siya pinalayas ng Princesa.

Ermitanyo: Huwag ka amang magalala at magagawan ko ng paraan ang problema mo. (Pagkatapos ay pinutol ang ari ng kabayo at ikinabit sa Boyfriend ng princesa).

Boyfriend: (Matapos makabit ang titi ng kabayo ay susumigaw sa tuwa na bumalik sa Princesa)
Mahal kong Prncesa!!.. Mahal kong Princesa, mayroon na akong ari.

Princesa: Ha!!. Paanong nangyari yon?

Boyfriend: May nakita akong mabait Ermitanyo sa bundok at pinutol niya ang titi ng kabayo na
ibinigay mo sa aking at siya niyang ikinabit sa akin.

Princesa: Oh no!!.. Napakalaking pagkakamali ang nagawa ko (Sabay ng malakas na pagiyak).
Hindi!!.. Sayang, napakalking pagkakamali!. (iyak ulit ang Princesa).

Boyriend: (Naguguluhan) Bakit, ano ang nangyari?

Princesa: Kasi (Iyak ulit) hindi pa iyong PINAKAMALAKING KABAYO ang naipadala ko sa iyo.

Understanding Engineers

2006-03-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

---------------

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. " The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

--------------------------

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

---------------------------

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

----------------------------

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -- The Dilbert Principle

---------------------------

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

---------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Pinoy SMS: Friendly Text Messages

2006-03-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

My mom always told me that we could never measure our wealth by money but by our friends. She would surely be glad to meet you and know how rich I turned out to be!

I'm glad friendship doesn't come with price tags. For if it does, I'd never afford someone as great as you.

God in heaven, God above, please protect the friend I love. Sent with a smile, sealed with a kiss, I love my friend who's reading this.

The nicest place these days is right beside your friends. Usog konti, tabi ako!

You brighten my day, di ka naman araw. You light up my life, di ka naman ilaw. You make me smile, di ka naman bulalakaw. You warm my heart, di ka naman sabaw. Friend kita, yan malinaw!

A friend is sweet when it is new. And it is sweeter when it is true. But you know what? It is sweetest when it is you.

A coin is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. The coin depreciates but a friend appreciates. I lost a coin when I texted you, but it's okay because I got you.

A smile makes us look younger… while prayers make us feel stronger… and friends…? They make us enjoy life forever.

Each day God sends His angels to guide us. We don't expect to see them with wings, or with halo flying above their heads. Instead, they come in disguise and we call them friends. Thank you for being an angel to me!

A friend is like a book that has to be read to appreciate its beauty. As such, you're one of the finest books ever written. How I wish you could be reprinted!

What are the differences between a peso and a friend? A peso is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A peso loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a peso but I have you!

God sprinkles tiny but wonderful seeds of blessings on earth each day...and I just caught one that's so nice and true...It's you!

A single candle can illuminate an entire room. A true friend lights up an entire lifetime. Thanks for the bright lights of your friendship.

Friendship is a gift that is fair in all things. It roots from one's heart and involves memories that stay not for a while but for a lifetime.

If you open my heart, guess what you are gonna see? It's you. True friends are hard to find so I kept you.

Care is the main ingredient that keeps true friendships alive despite separation, distance and time. Care sustains love. Since I can't see you, let my care be with you, friend!

What is a friend? She looks out for you, inspires you, laughs with you, cries with you, understands you, guides you and walks with you. That's what a friend is…you.

I have a pen which is blue, I have a friend which is you. Flowers will die, waters will dry, but our friendship will never say goodbye.

How long shall we be friends? Do you want a clue? As long as stars twinkle in the sky, till the water runs dry and till the day I die. We will be friends.

I might run out of cute graphics to send you, but I'll never run out of this: care for you.

A friend is a push when you have stopped, a chat when you are lonely, a guide when you are searching, a smile when you are sad, a song when you are glad.

Colors may fade, the sun may not shine, the moon may not be bright, heartbeats may stop, lives may pass but our friendship, I'll treasure 'till the day my heart stops.

When you're down, I'll be there to cheer you up. When you're tired, I'll be there to lift you up. I'll be your friend no matter what!

Friends are like mangga... you'll never know which is sweet and which is not. Well I'm lucky coz I was able to find the sweetest mangga in you!

If you want to be happy for a day, get a date. Happy for a week, get a lover. Happy till the end, keep me.

I don't regret the things I have done and the things I didn't do. For somewhere along the way I must have done something right coz I ended up with a friend like you.

I may have forgotten to say that I care. I may have failed to open up and share, but though no words have been spoken, my promise of friendship won't be broken.

Time and distance are important between friends. When a friend is in your heart, they remain there forever. I may be busy, but I assure you, you are always in my heart!

I was never tired of this life and it's not gonna matter if I fall down twice, coz I know each time I fall, you won't let me hit the ground. Thanks for being around.

Friends are gifts wrapped in ribbons of thoughtfulness and trimmed with kisses and smiles, given by God to stay not just for a day, but for life. Thanks!

Fifty years from now, I'd be so old I might forget you. I might not remember ever knowing you, or might forget I once cared for you. I might… but I won't.

Do you ever recall the first day we met? Our first hello? The day we became friends? Well, I do and I will always remember. For that very day, I knew I'd cherish you.

Some friends are remembered because of their smile. Some friends are remembered because of their style. But you are remembered because you are so nice to remember. Take care.

Someday you may lose your hair, your teeth, your looks, or even your memory. But there's something you won't lose. Me, coz I'll always be your friend.

I won't promise to be your friend forever, coz I won't live that long. But let me be your friend as long as I live.

I thank God I'm rich not with money but with people like you. I may not have the most expensive things but I've got a most precious gem… a friend like you.

I admit I'll never be the perfect friend. I'll never be there always. I may not make you smile at times but there is one thing I admit I could do. To be the person I could be for you.

Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

I thank the Lord for the gift of friendship where I can be myself and be accepted as I am and for finding a home in the heart of a friend.

Keep me as a friend and I will keep you in my heart and lock it up. I'll throw away the key so that no one can take you away from me.

Some joys are better explained in silence, as a smile gets more audible than laughter. I was asked if I enjoyed my friendship with you. I just smiled.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Thank you for touching my life in ways you may never know. My riches do not lie in material wealth but in having friends like you - a precious gift from God!

I always thought loving someone is the greatest feeling, but I realized that loving a friend is even better. We lose people we love, but we never lose true friends.

If one day you feel like crying, call me. I can't promise to make you laugh, but I'm willing to cry with you.

A man should keep his friends in a constant repair. The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

Some friends are separated by time. Some are separated by differences. Some by distances, some by pride. But no matter how far you are or different we may be, you'll always be a friend to me!

There is a golden bridge called friendship that spans the river of time and links out hearts together even if we walks separate roads of life.

If friends were flowers surely I would not pick you! I'd let you grow in the garden and cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you forever.

One tree can start a forest, one smile can start a friendship. One touch can show you care, one friend can make life worth living for.

In my dreams, we were never apart. In my dreams you kept me close. In my dreams you loved me the most. In my dreams we're always together. Might as well be dreaming forever.

Gusto ko na benta cell phone ko... lam mo ba? Gusto ko hagis, durugin at tadyakan ang cell phone ko... lam mo ba? Gusto ko na panakaw to... lam mo ba? Maloloka na ko sa pag-iintay ng text mo... lam mo ba?

Pinoy SMS: Love Messages

2006-03-08T03:50:00.000-08:00

There are 12 months a year...30 days a month...7 days a week...24 hours a day...60 minutes an hour...but only one like you in a lifetime.

There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

Great minds contain ideas, solutions and reasons; scientific minds contain formulas, theories and figures; my mind contains only you!

Love can be expressed in many ways. One way I know is to send it across the distance to the person who is reading this.

If I could change the alphabet, I would put U and I together!

Minsan caring is better than loving. Minsan tea is better than coffee. Minsan smile is better than laughter. Pero nobody is better than you.

There is night so we can appreciate day, sorrow so we can appreciate joy, evil so we can appreciate good, you so I can appreciate love.

You look great today. How did I know? Because you look great everyday.

What is love? Those who don't like it call it responsibility. Those who play with it call it a game. Those who don't have it call it a dream. Those who understand it call it destiny. And me, I call it you.

What is love? It is what makes your cell phone ring every time I send text messages.

If love can be avoided by simply closing our eyes, then I wouldn't blink at all for I don't want to let a second pass having fallen out of love with you.

I used to think that dreams do not come true, but this quickly changed the moment I laid my eyes on you.

Press down if you miss me. Talaga? Sweet mo naman. You really miss me huh? Still pressing down. Impressed na ako, ha? Sobrang miss na yan. Well, I miss you too.

Some people were born with talents. They can do beautiful things with their skills, knowledge and technology. But no one is as talented as you. You just come near, and there is already beauty.

A lady is a woman who makes a man behave like a gentleman. You're such a lady to me.

To forget you is hard to do and to forget me is up to you. Forget me not, forget me never. Forget this text, but not the sender.

When situation gets you down, remember there's Someone in Heaven who loves you and watches over you and there's someone on Earth who cares… I do.

Cell phones can be irritating sometimes. You always have to reload, recharge every now and then. Messages are delayed. But there's one thing I love about it. It connects me to you!

Words begin with ABC. Numbers begin with 123. Music begins with do, re, mi. And friendship begins with you and me!

Rain and sunshine do not always come together. Night and day never coincide. But you and I, whatever they say, is for me the perfect match.
When I dream, I dream of you...maybe one day, dreams will come true.

There is an ocean between us. Forests and mountains keep us apart. I may not be superman, but give me a second and I will fly across countries to send you my love. Have you received it?

If, out of time, I could pick one moment and keep it shining, always new, of all the days that I have lived, I'd pick the moment I met you.

I'm on a mission to get over you, in other words mission impossible.

I wish I'd be a tear in your eye to roll down your cheek and end up with your lips but I never wish you'd be a tear in my eye for I would lose you every time I cry.

When it rains, you don't see the sun, but it's there. Hope we can be like that. We don't always see each other, but we will always be there for one another.

I may run out of message to text you. I may run out of jokes too. I may also run out of battery or even a peso but my heart won't run out of space for you!

You'll know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick "Hello" from that person can bring the broken pieces back.

Love. All my life I have read about it, dreamt of it, waited for it, cried for it, needed it. Now with you, I have found it.

Sherlock Holmes was an idiot and Robert Watt was a fool. One was a detective, the other invented radar. But neither of them ever discovered you. I'm a genius!

When the time comes I can't smile anymore, don't worry about me, I know what to do. I'll just stare at one corner and think of you. No one else could make me happy like the way you do.

There's a love that only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can only be seen in your eyes, and a life of mine that you alone can complete.

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.

Ah-- I forgot your name. Can I call you mine? And, in case you forget my name too, call me yours!

If I had the letters "HRT", I can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" and get "HURT". But I'd rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U".

You may never see how much I care for you. You may never hear how much I treasure you. You may never feel how much I miss you. Coz only here in my heart can you see them true.

There are 4 steps to happiness: 1. you, 2. me, 3. our hearts, 4. together!

If kisses were water, I'd give you the ocean. If hugs were leaves, I'd give you a forest. If love were space, I'd give you a galaxy. If friendship were life, I'd give you mine for free.

It's hard to say hello because it might be goodbye. It's hard to say I'm okay because sometimes I'm not. But it's easy to say I miss you coz I know that I really do.

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds. But when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call you and I.

If you're feeling lonely and you think there is nobody there to love, support, listen or show they care, just save this message and every time you realize it, it will remind you that a part of me is always there with you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I am waiting to hear from a cute guy like you.

They say that as long as there is one person loving you, life isn't a waste. So if you lose hope and thought that life is not worth living, just remember I'm here.

Do you know that men and women are angels created with only one wing? And they need to embrace each other to be able to fly... Hope you can find your angel whom you can fly with forever.

They told me I could do anything if I put my mind into it. Yet no matter how hard I try in all that I do, I just can't take my mind off you.

My biggest reward is to see you smile, know you are happy, and feel you are loved. I know life is sometimes cruel, but that's why I'm here, to show you that life can be good when somebody cares.

I always think of you, but I always fail to know the reason why. Is there something else I should know about you? But there is one thing that I know is true. That life will always be sad without you.

Hatred infects the mind; love dissolves it. You dissolve my mind.

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it cause I might do something crazy like believe it.

I'm afraid to close my eyes coz I might think of you. I'm afraid to open them coz I might see you. I'm afraid to move my lips coz I might speak of you. I'm afraid to listen coz I might hear my heart fall for you.

I'm sorry to be smiling every time you're near. I'm sorry my eyes twinkle whenever you're here. I'm sorry that cupid has made his hit. I'm sorry I love you, I can't help it.

Caring for someone is easy but making someone care for you is hard. Now I keep wondering how did you make it so easy for me to care for you.

Text me when you are sad, text me when you need someone to listen to and you can't find anyone who will. I don't care if I'm your last option, I just don't want you to cry alone.

I don't want to say I miss you, though deep inside I do, coz I'm afraid you might see thru and know how much fear I have of losing someone like you.

If love can be avoided simply by closing our eyes, I wouldn't blink at all for I don't want to let a second pass having fallen out of love with you.

I wish one day you will miss me terribly that no matter how hard you look for me, you won't find me. Why? Because, I want you to miss me the way I'm missing you right now.

If I could be any letter in the alphabet, I'd choose "V" so I can be next to "U"; if you could be any note, I wish you're "RE" so your always beside "ME"!

Whatever you do, I'll walk with you. Hoping that your every dream would come true. Anytime, anywhere, I'll always be there. Wishing you love and happiness because I care.

The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person's fingers could fill them in. Hope you'll find your dream hand to hold you forever.

Every part of me wants you, maybe because I was made just for you!

When you love someone, draw a circle around their name instead of a heart coz hearts can be broken but circles never end.

Nobody tells fish to swim, birds to fly, cows to moo, dogs to bark - they just do. Just like nobody tells me to remember you. I just do!

If you were a wound inside my heart, I'd rather leave it there with all the pain locked inside than leave it without a trace of you.

Whenever you feel blue, I will be there for you. Whenever you are sad, I will stay by your side. Whenever you need someone to love, I will always be there for you to have.

They can recycle paper till it's as good as new, reproduce cans and jars and old bottles too, but they can never recycle another person as wonderful as you.

I hate when you smile at me because you make me crazy about you. I hate when you talk to me because you make me run out of words. I hate you when I see you because you make me love you more.

What good is beauty without brains, looks without charm, money without happiness, a smile without feelings, a life without you?

To be disturbed by the beep of your phone only means that somehow, somewhere, somebody is thinking of you and at this very moment, that's me. Take care always.

A person you love is an extension of yourself. Without it, you're not complete so better take care of yourself because I don't want to lose a part of me.

I wish my eyes could speak what my heart feels for you, coz my lips can lie on what is true. My eyes couldn't coz even if I close them I could still see you.

Every time I hear my text tone, I always hope one of them is from you. My cell phone may have limited memory space but my heart has unlimited space for someone like you.

I have you! If you hate me, shoot me with an arrow, but please not on the heart coz that's were you are!

Someone asked what makes people happy. Some said wealth and some said fame. I was thinking about this when my cell phone beeped and received a text from you. Then, I smiled and said: "This makes me happy."

You're like a target that I always try to aim at. How I wish I could aim you at the heart. But every time I fail, I feel so sad. You know why? It's because I always end up missing you.

It was a simple crush, done and over with, then you looked at me.

Love is something special, a treasure I want to find... To others, love is blind but for me, its not true, coz when I fell in love...I saw you.

I'll lend you my shoulder for you to cry on, my ears to listen to, my hand for you to hold, my feet to walk with you, but I can't lend you my heart coz it already belongs to you.

Why do birds fall from the sky every time you walk by? Maybe because like me they want to be near you!

If I get takot, would you hawak me tight? If I gawa something mali, would you make it right? If I build an apoy, would you bantay the flame? If I sabi I miss u, would you ramdam the same?

Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded text mate, in sickness or in health, through metering or not, till low bat do us part?

Someone once asked me, "Have you ever fallen in love?" Then I answered, "Of course, once." Then they asked me another question: "Did it hurt?" I thought of you and told them "Yes, very much".

You must be a thief coz you stole my heart. You must be tired coz you're always running through my mind. And maybe I'm a bad shooter coz I keep missing you.

I asked God for a rose and He gave me a garden. I asked God for a drop of water and He gave me an ocean. I asked God for an angel and He gave me you!

I have heard from the phone company, the water company, the electric company, but haven't heard from you. Too bad, it's your company I love the most.

If someone would ask me what a beautiful life means, I would lean my head on your shoulder and hold you close to me and answer with a smile: "Like this!"

If only one star would fall every time I miss you, then all the stars in heaven would be gone. Don't wonder if there are no stars tonight! It's your fault coz you made me miss you a lot.

Life may sometimes be a rough road to walk on where everything seems wrong. But don't give up. Just go on coz when you think you're all alone, look back and you'll find me walking along.

They say as long as at least one person cares for you, life isn't a waste. So when things go terribly wrong, and you feel like giving up, please remember you still got me.

True love is hard to find, special one, one of a kind. I know because it appeared to me on a strange day I met you.

I've been wondering why you're not texting... Multiple Choice: a. busy b. dedma c. tired d. thrifty e. want me to miss you.

While you gave her flowers, you gave me thorns. While all she did was smile, all I did is mourn. While she was so happy, I felt so blue. Because while you loved her, I was loving you.

An angel asked me a reason why I care for you so much. I told her I care for you so much coz there's no reason not to.

First time I saw you, I was scared to touch you. First time I touched you, I was scared to kiss you. First time I kissed you, I was scared to love you. But now that I love you, I'm scared to lose you!

If love is a disease then I'm very ill. But I would not want medicine and won't take any pill. I would instead suffer this illness and be bedridden with joy of knowing you.

I will walk with you side by side for only one condition: hide your wings every time we walk together because the whole world might know that you're my angel!

Each of us is an angel with one wing. The only way we could fly is to hold each other and share wings. So if you have trouble flying, I will always share mine with you.

I used to think that the world is so unfair, that it gave me so many reasons to hate it. But now, how can I hate such a wonderful world that gave me you?

Can I say I love you today? If not, can I ask you again tomorrow? And the day after tomorrow? And the day after that? Coz I'll be loving you every single day of my life.

A day may start or end without a message from me, but believe me it won't start or end without me thinking of you..See! I just did. Take care.

You greeted me hi, I didn't reply. You gave me a sweet smile, I responded with a sigh. You showed me your love, you received a shrug. But when you bid goodbye I began to cry.

Pinoy SMS: Inspirational Text Messages

2006-03-08T03:47:00.000-08:00

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep, when we cry, when we imagine, when we kiss? Because the most beautiful thing in the world is unseen.

When you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss the fun of getting there. Life is not a race, so take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain, teardrops and laughter, pleasure and pain. Just remember, there was never a cloud that the sun couldn't shine through.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear.

When you born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love is as beautiful as two people choose to make it!

A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.

Life is like a book. Each day is a new page. May your book be a bestseller with adventures to tell, lessons to learn and tales of good deeds to remember.

A smile is a language even a baby understands. It costs nothing but it creates much. It happens in a flash but the memory of it may last forever. Keep on smiling!

The happiest person doesn't have the best of everything in life. Perhaps he is just good in making the best of everything that life brings along his way. Stay happy always!

Learn to appreciate the rainbow after cursing the rain. It's just like loving again after experiencing the pain!

The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are, but on how happy others can be... because of you. God Bless!

It is the heart that makes a man rich. He is rich according to what he is, not according to what he has. Hello to one of the richest persons I know. God Bless!

It's not the possession of good things that bring happiness. It is the ability to enjoy what comes. Happiness is an attitude.

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it would come to you when you least expect it.

In words, love can be read. In actions, love can be measured. But others don't know that even in silence, love can be heard.

No one can go back and make a new beginning, but anyone can start from now and make a happy ending.

When you find a dream inside your heart, don't ever let it go.... for dreams are the tiny seeds from which beautiful tomorrows grow.

Smile when in leisure. Smile when in pain. Smile when troubles pour like rain. Smile when someone hurt your feelings, coz you know, smiling always starts the healing!

Every teardrop is precious so better make sure that if you drop some, its worth crying for, coz you can never pick them and put them back to your eyes. Love wisely!

Life they say is touch and go. Some people you know may only be there for a time. Some may go away but people who find you special will always find ways to stay.

One measure of friendship consists not in the number of words that friends can discuss, but in the number of words they need no longer mention.

Life's a game, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But no matter what your cards in life, whether club, spade, or diamond, always remember - never play without a heart!

Remember - you are worth not for what you have, not even for who you are, but for what others have become because of you. Wish you the best!

When things go wrong don't go blue. Just pray and say I will get through. Always remember God Loves You!

To be strong one should have faith in one's self and trust in one's strength. It takes strong heart to overcome every hardship that will come. Have faith in yourself and believe.

Life is a one-way street. No matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back. So enjoy life every moment as none of them will happen the same way again.

The world is full of beauty when your heart is full of love. So start and end your day with love and smile in your heart. Have a peaceful day.

Valuing a person is not merely seeing each other everyday. What counts most is that somehow in our busy life, we remember each other even just by saying "Take care".

We are never given dream without also being given the power to make them come true.

Life can give you a hundred reasons to cry, but you can give life a thousand reasons to smile. Good a.m.

Pinoy SMS: Text Quotes

2006-03-08T03:41:00.000-08:00

Never rush in love for it never runs out. Let love be the one to knock at your door, so by the time you start to fall, you know that your feeling is for sure.

Love has its ups and downs, its twists and turns. Love leaves you pain, teaches you until you learn and even if love takes so long, it always takes you to where you belong.

Women listen to music because they are in love. Men listen to music because they want to fall in love.

Some people don't get any respect at all because they are asking for the respect they deserve.

You don't marry someone you can live with. You marry the person who you cannot live without.

There is no such a thing as ignorance, but only degrees of wisdom.

Love is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end, coz love is all there is.

Traffic. The black spell that makes commuters forget they are in love.

Love and stars are similar in one way. They keep you looking up every night.

There are two things rain helps improve: agricultural production and Philippine population.

It's better to lose your pride with someone you love, rather than lose that someone with your useless pride.

The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.

When everything goes wrong, push! When you wish for something, push! When people don't understand, push. When you wish for love, P-ush U- ntil S-omething H-appens!

Guilt: The inner voice that tells us that Someone may be looking.

Being single is cool. No worrying about anyone, no obligations and best of all, no heartaches. But you know what? If you will never get your heart broken, you will never learn to love.

Looking at men who are drunk is a mistake. Looking at women who are drunk is a temptation.

Women fall in love through their ears, and men through their eyes.

Each of us is a star. Sometimes we shine with the rest. Sometimes we twinkle alone. Sometimes when we least know it, we make someone's wish come true.

Home is the only place where one does not get homesick.

Every ten seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and most often in the tongue of the liar.

A person is happy if he has a problem and enjoys solving it.

Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses. If you miss that one, another will be along soon.

It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money cannot buy!

In love, there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek.

Relationships are like traffic signs 1-way, 2-way, do not enter, no U turn, no left turn, but the best so far is give way and keep right.

Being happy all the time is kind of boring.

When you love somebody, be ready to take the intensity of emotions. Be jealous, anxious. Love with all your might. Take the pain and everything that comes with it. Just make sure that the person is worth it.

Words and hearts should be handled with care... for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.

It's amazing how one person can bring you so much happiness and pain in your life. Maybe it's really love knocking when he can make you so happy that you forget all the pains. So don't forget all the happiness when he breaks your heart.

It takes three seconds to say I love you, three minutes to explain, three hours to demonstrate, three days to appreciate, three terms to produce it, but a lifetime to prove it.

The best thing about an enemy is that he tells the truth about you.

Say good about yourself and you'll be called arrogant; say bad about yourself and you'll be believed.

Some flowers grow best in the sun; others do well in the shade. God plants us where we grow best and gives us loved ones to grow with.

There is no absolute freedom. When your girlfriend says, "I love you", that is her freedom. But then again, will you let her say, "I love you" to every man.

Love can never be taught for it is to be learned; love can never be bought for it is to be given; love can never be kept for it is to be free; love can never be old for it lives to last a lifetime.

When a battered wife learns to fight back, blame the husband. He showed signs of weakness. When a battered husband learns to fight back, blame the wife. She took too far.

Love is magic. The more we hide it, the more it shows; the more you suppress it, the more it grows.

It is always a pleasure to listen to persons bragging about their humility.

We forgive those who bore us but cannot forgive those whom we bore.

Pinoy SMS: Funny Text Messages

2006-03-08T03:37:00.000-08:00

I read on the newspaper that sending text messages causes a radiation that is cancerous. That's why I have decided to stop - to stop reading newspapers.

Why do I miss you? Because you make me smile. You are so kind. You are so sweet. You are very funny. And most of all, because you are not texting me any more. That's why.

When you are in love, you wish you were married. When you are married, you wish you were in love.

The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too. But if rain really makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?

Whenever I hear people say something bad about you, like when they say that you are not cute enough, I would always come to your defense and say "She's trying to be one naman a!"

I hate blackout. Never mind the aircon, never mind TV and stereo, never mind the internet. But if I could not recharge my cell phone so I could keep texting, that's another point. I hate blackout.

Every time I hold her hand, I feel like holding my cheek. She always slaps me on the face.

The only people whom I greet "Good morning" are those who are smart, cute and malakas ang sex appeal. So, pano ba yan? E di good afternoon na lang sayo!

"Learn to appreciate art," I told my girlfriend. She said, "How could I appreciate you, then?"

You've got sex appeal, you've got style, you've got intelligence, and you've got class. You've got the face and you've got the body but I've got the wrong number… Sorry ha, mali pala!

We hate others for imitating us. We are irritated by their attitude.

Kung akala mo importante ka sa akin, kung akala mo may tiwala ako sayo, kung akalamo namimiss kita at kung akala mo friend kita…Korek ka dyan!

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're a grownup, I have one question..... What happened?

Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose - your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don't have!

I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with two angels. Your angel is cute but mine is not, so tampo ko. I asked why cute ang angel mo. They said: "Balance of nature".

Why do we sleep? Because we need to take a break from texting. Have a nice dream while texting.

How can you know if a person is cute? First, he or she has a poor memory. Second - umn … I forgot na!

Our friendship means a lot to me, that if we were the last people on a sinking ship and there's only one life vest, I'll..uhm.. ah.. eh..I'm gonna miss you for sure!

Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Kasi sabi nila cute daw ako kapag naiinis ako! Kaya, Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!

Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

I've just heard a funny joke. I can't stop laughing. Hahahaha! Want to hear it. Biruin more…..cute ka raw? Hahahaha!

While walking down the street, I heard an old man say "I've been in love with the same woman for almost 50 years now." I was touched until I heard him say "I wish she knew."

Bakit exciting ang text? 1. Kasi pwedeng magpacute and pangit. 2. Pwedeng single ang married 3. Sa text bida ang sinungaling 4. Sa text bistado ang kuripot.

Smile is the secret to stay young and cute. Naks, bakit ka nakangiti?

What is the difference between cute and feeling cute? Cute is the one who sent this and feeling cute is the one reading this. He...He...he... Text mo sa iba para ikaw naman ang cute!

I may not be your PEPSI choice of the new generation; I may not be your COKE, only the real thing; or your NIDO, world's no. 1 but I can be your REXONA I won't let you down.

I'm thinking u. I want to be with u. I am longing for u. I have a crush on u. I want to hug and kiss u. I love u. Ikaw, love mo rin ba ang letter u?

If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. If you need money, wait for your salary.

No matter how sad, no matter how sick, I feel better just thinking of you... But I'm happier each time I send you a message 'coz I know I'll be disturbing you!

If they say "Good looks could kill", then please don't look at me! I don't wanna see you die!

Anong animal ang hindi sigurado? Eh di BAKA! Ano naman ang pinutol? E di CAT! E ano naman and laging ayos? E di OX! Ano ang laging nauuntog? E di DOG! E ano naman ang pangit? E di COW!

I sent an angel to watch over you last night while you were sleeping. She went back to me and said ang cute mo raw. Sinampal ko nga. Mali ang binantayan.

Between the thousand yesterdays and a million tomorrows, there's only one today and I wouldn't let this day pass without saying this to you - ang cute ko, grabe!

When I say good morning, it means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, it means I care for you. When I say ang cute mo, antok lang ako. Tulog na ko.

I saw someone at the mall. So cute, smart-looking, simple, elegant, and looks like a celebrity. Kainis paglapit ko nauntog ako. Salamin pala!

Just got my medical exam results. Malala na ang sakit ko. Everyday lalo akong gumaganda at wala raw gamot dito. But don't worry, di daw nakakahawa. Safe ka.

You're like my asthma, you take my breath away. Like dandruff; I can't get you off my head. Like my car, you drive me crazy. Like dentures, I can't smile without you.

Fifty years from now, tanda na ko nun! Di na cute, wala ng appeal, uugud-ugod, nguya nganga, dala baston. Pero pag uso pa ang text, iti text pa rin kita.

You think I'm nice, I think you're nice. You think I'm kind, I think you're kind. You think I can be trusted, I think you can. You think I'm cute, and I think you're right.

You can buy gifts but not love. You can pretend smile but not happiness. You can lie to others but not to yourself. You can have another friend but not as cute as I am!

If you're like my pillow, you're huggable. If you're like my cell phone, you're smart. If you're my chocolate, you're sweet. If you're like me, grabe and cute mo naman!

Everything about you is perfect - your lips, your skin, your eyes, your body. Perfect! You're lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.

You'll never know who your friends are… till you stumble and fall. And till you feel his hands on your shoulder as he says, "Yan tatanga-tanga kasi".

Any man who can text while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the text the attention it deserves.

If you're not cute don't continue reading this.... Naks! yan ang gusto ko sayo eh, lakas ng fighting spirit mo! O pumipindot pa! Lupit mo!

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, a colon, or an exclamation point... So don't dare to kiss me coz I might get crazy,?.!

The Pinoy politician does not fail to smile in front of the camera. Why? Guilt tickles when there is too much light.

This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.

Each of us has his own fear but sooner or later we must face it. It takes a lot of guts to overcome it. So don't be afraid to face your fear. Go ahead, take a bath. Good a.m.

Newsflash: Policemen saving a woman who appears to be jumping off a building. Policeman: Bumaba ka dyan maraming nagmamahal sa yo! Woman: Wag kayo makialam, di ako makapag -send!

If only I'm an angel, I'll protect you. I'll lend you my wings. I'll watch over you. But I'm not an angel, hawig lang.

When a veteran actor dies, women weep. When a young actor dies, girls cry, "Sayang!"

I don't know how to say this. We are friends but I can't get you out of my mind. This is wrong but you're the only one I could think of. This might break our friendship, but I have to say this. Pautang naman!

The smell of a woman should stay with you. The smell of a man should come to you as you go to him and leave you with only a memory, not a headache.

Kahit NISSAN ka STAREX ka ng buhay ko, masKIAnong mangyari, HONDA kitang pagMAZDAn at SUZUmpang SUZUKIlian ka ng buong katapatan. DODGE what friends are FORD!

A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross.

What do you do when you see an extremely cute person? Ako, I stare at the person and smile, but when I get tired, I just put the mirror down. Nakakangawit eh!

No one is too fat to run, except the Pinoy policeman.

Help! Nasa presinto ako. Nahuli kasi ako while I was working kanina. The charge was possession of cute face. I had no choice but plead guilty. Lakas ng ebidensya nila e!

How to spot a texter? 1. may muscle ang thumb 2. barok magsalita 3. may bangga ang auto 4. laging nakayuko 5. nakasimangot dahil di makasend.

Five reasons why I keep texting you: 1. You made me feel welcomed 2. You made me smile 3. You appreciate my thoughts 4. You spend time reading my messages 5. Di ako kuripot tulad mo!

When you feel left out and all alone, just try to close your eyes for a moment and think of me. Afterwards, you will suddenly smile and say, text ko nga ang cute na yon!

Ang ganda ng umaga because of you. Ang ganda ng dream ko, it was all about you. Ang sakit ng ulo ko, puro you na lang ng you. Sabi ni doc, maybe because I miss you.

When she talks about the town, she calls it news. When the town talks about her, she calls it 'tsismis'.

I looked at the sky. The sky is beautiful. I looked at you. I looked at the sky na lang ulit.

Money will buy a bed but not sleep, food but not appetite, amusement but not happiness. You see, money is not everything. Therefore, if you have too much, please send it to me ASAP!

I'm afraid to die not because it will hurt or I don't know what will happen, but because I might be waiting for you in Heaven and be disappointed.

Some people choose friends who are thoughtful and caring. Some prefer those who are smart and good looking. When you chose me, pinakyaw mo na lahat.

Everyone, except me, wants to become a millionaire. I want to become a billionaire.

I know you've got plenty of friends. Some are old, some are new. Some are false, some are true. I may not be your perfect friend, but one thing I will always be - the cutest you've got.

I live a very difficult life. I'm always hurt! Whenever people call me cute, good looking, smart and lovable, I'm always hurt! Totoo pala, the truth hurts!

I asked my guardian angel for a friend whom I can love forever. She gave me you. And so I called on her again and asked: "Wala na bang iba?"

Yesterday is history.... Tomorrow is a mystery.... Today is a gift.... That's why its called the present!

I'm not sure what life could bring you. I'm not sure if dreams do come true. I'm not sure what love can do. But I'm sure about one thing. Cute tayo.

Let go of the one who makes you cry. Let go of the one who breaks your heart. Let go of the one who causes you much pain. But never let go of me because mahirap maghanap ng cute na ka-text.

People are always looking for cute ones, the perfect ones, the gorgeous ones, the smart ones, the sweet ones. Lagi na lang ako! Ako! Ako!

If you save this message, it means cute ako. If you edit it, cute pa rin ako. If you delete it, naiinggit ka kasi cute ako. Pero kung ipoforward mo, pinagkakalat mong cute ako.

What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you and torture is thinking of you too much.

I'm so sorry for not telling you this before. You ought to know how smart, cute, witty, sweet, charming, alluring and wonderful you are!... I didn't know I've influenced you that much!

Others say life is unfair. Well, it's true. Others are jealous of you. And they really should be. Wanna know why? Hmmm… coz you have a cute text mate like me.

Playboy, speaking to a girl: "I want you to know that I value our relationship very much. In fact, I find you as my most favorite girlfriend."

Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect who's smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous. They've already eliminated you from the list of suspects. Where do you think I should hide?

If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

When somebody who's deeply in love with you tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic, I agree. That's true, believe me, I swear. Cause love is blind!

Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. That's enough bout me. How about you?

When I was lost, you were there. When I was down, you were there. When I was bankrupt, you were there. When I almost died, you were there... Teka, baka ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!

It takes patience to keep a nagging wife; fortune to keep an ambitious wife; four eyes to keep a pretty wife.

Dear fellow texters, Due to Globeline problems, we are experiencing delayed messages. This is why as early as now I would like to greet you a Merry Christmas.

Trivia: Having a good laugh with friends stimulates endorphins, the brain's natural painkillers. So if you need to laugh and you can't find a friend, I can lend you a mirror.

When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

There are now three ways of describing a glass with water half of its volume. It is either half-full, half-empty or half-safe to drink.

He loves his girlfriend more when she is not around.

I may not be Pepsi, the choice of the new generation. I may not be Coca Cola, only the real thing. I may not be Nido, the world's number 1 but I can be PLDT, clearly for you.

Nasa bundok ka, mahuhulog cell phone mo at girlfriend mo, anong gagawin mo? Magpakatotoo ka brother! Sagipin mo ang cell phone mo at sigaw mo sa girlfriend mo, text na lang kita!.

Someone claimed that Maria Clara could not be the model of Filipino women. "History never mentioned that she brushed her teeth," was the explanation.

The only person who can make her smile is a dentist.

Looks may capture the eyes but it's the personality that captures the heart. Kainis, I have both.

I wrote your name in the sky but the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand but the water washed it away. I wrote your name every where! Hinuli ako ng pulis!

When you feel that nobody loves you, that nobody cares, when all you can do is cry and walk away because everyone is against you, then you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

At this moment 3.7 million are sleeping, 2.3 million are falling in love, 4.1 million are eating and only 1 cutie in the whole world is reading this message. Naks! Nakangiti na yan!

Philippines: Ang Mayaman at Mahirap

2006-03-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang".

Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress".

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo".

Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"; kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".

Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba", pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".

Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga", pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".

Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkinitan"; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting".

Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite"; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "ungga"

Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "nagwawala"; kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game".

"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".

Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang"; sa mayamang tumatanda, the description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood".

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner'; ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong".

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" masiba"!

Men are like...

2006-03-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the god ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you are not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Pinoy Jokes: Magaling ang Pinoy!

2006-02-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

I. Ang galing ng Pilipino:
1) A couple placed an ad,”Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter.”
Responses: Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!

2) Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children.
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

3) Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
(what does one say when they fart?)
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

II. Married Life
1) May isang tsinoy na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: “HUWAG KA BAYAD
RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”

2) Husband: “Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”
Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”
Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”
Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”

3) Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

4) Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

5) Husband: “Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!”
Wife: “Hay naku, Honey … SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin”

6) Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!”
Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”
Friend: “Surprise? Ano occasion?”
Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”

III. Other Jokes:

1) Health Advisory: “Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints…. men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting !”

2) Little girl: “Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut!”
Mommy: “You mean, it’s small?”
Little girl: “No, it’s SALTY”

3) Question: Who designed the female human body?
Answer: A Civil Engineer. who else would run a toxic waste pipeline thru a recreational area?!

4) Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!

5) Sa hardin ng Paraiso …
Adam: Lord, di ko na kaya ang tukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso sa iyo?
Adam: SUPOT! SUPOT!

Top Ten Rejection Lines

2006-02-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejection Lines by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)

..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response...

The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

..and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

19 Ways to Know You're a Woman

2006-02-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

1. You are a Bitch.

2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

6. Whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. Complain.

12. Hate any bar he likes.

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

The Perfect Day

2006-02-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrent lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and cut

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage

5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

10:00 Hot shower (alone)

10:30 Make love

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blowjob

6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today

7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Stoli bloody mary enroute to airport

8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, GA (java, Spt Illust'd and Wall St. Jrnl)

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens

12:15 Blowjob

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)

2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew

4:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)

5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)

7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz. New York Steak

9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar

9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin)

11:00 Massage and jacuzzi

11:45 Bed (alone)

11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room

Great Quotes by Great Ladies

2006-02-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

Inside every older lady is a younger lady --
wondering what the hell happened?

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But
I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them as strayeyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in
through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes
several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just
have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.
And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be
wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can
ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country..

-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If
you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Love, Lust, and Marriage

2006-02-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

LOVE ----- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST ----- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE ----- When intercourse is called 'making love.'
LUST ----- When intercourse is called 'screwing.'
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE ----- When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST ----- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE ----- When you share everything you own.
LUST ----- When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE ----- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST ----- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE ----- When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST ----- When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE ----- When you write poems about your partner.
LUST ----- When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE ----- When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST ----- When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE ----- When your farewell is 'I love you, darling...'
LUST ----- When your farewell is 'So, same time next week...'
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE ----- When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST ----- When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE ----- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST ----- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE ----- When nobody else matters.
LUST ----- When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE ----- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST ----- When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE ----- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST ----- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE ----- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST ----- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Pinoy Joke: Utot ng Kabayo

2006-02-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

Meron isang babae nastranded sa isang madilim na lugar. Nasiraan siya ng kotse at walang masakyan pauwi, hanggang sa meron dumating na kalesa.

Babae: Mamang Kutsero, pwede po ba akong makisakay?
Kutsero: Pwede pero may bayad.
Babae: Eh mama, wala po akong pera.
Kutsero: Hmmm... sige pasasakayin kita sa isang condition, bawat UTOT ng kabayo ko, kakantutin kita.

Nabigla ang babae, hindi niya alam ang gagawin at di siya sigurado kung meron pang dadaan sa lugar na yun.
Kaya....

Babae: Sige na payag na ako.

Atdali-daling pinasakay na siya ng Kutsero.
Malayo ang bahay ng babae, nung paakyat sila sa unang bundok biglaang napautot ang kabayo... puuooooooot

Kutsero: Paano ba yan miss, halika na at kantutan na tayo

Bumaba ang dalawa at sarap na sarap ang mamang kutsero. Sumakay sila at lumakbay ulit, di nagtagal at napautot na naman ang kabayo.

Kutsero: Oh paano yan miss isa pa, hehe

Tatlong beses pang umutot ang kabayo at tatlong beses din kinantot ng kutsero ang baabe, nung pang apat na utot ng kabayo, sa sobrang takam ng kutsero bigla din itong napautot, biglang sabi ng kabayo...

Kabayo: Eh Paano ba yan Bossing, Ako naman......

How to tell if you're a real Pinoy

2006-01-31T10:23:00.000-08:00

you're related to everyone.
your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy"
you have uncles and aunts names Boy, Girlie, or Baby.
you have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables, such as Jun-Jun, Ling-Ling, Mon-Mon.
you call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito and "Tita."
All of your children have 4 or 5 names.
you greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
you always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave a room.
your grandmother greets you by giving you "smelling kisses."
you live with your parents until - and at times even after you're married.
you can't build or buy a house unless you first consult a feng shui expert.
your house has a distinctive smell.
you decorate your living room wall with your family's framed diplomas and certificates.
you decorate your dining room wall with a giant wooden spoon and fork and a picture of the Last Supper.
you keep your furniture wrapped in plastic.
most of your home decor is made out of wicker.
your house has a "dirty" kitchen and a "clean" kitchen.
your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
you recycle plastic shopping bags as garbage bags.
you own "Footsteps in the Sand" poster.
you have a piano that no one plays.
you keep a tabo in your bathroom.
you own a "barrel man."
you use a stone to scrub yourself in the shower.
you use Vicks Vapor Rub as an insect repellant.
your meal isn't complete without rice.
you use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
you can't eat a meal without a spoon and fork.
you feel insulted if your visitors don't eat what you offer them.
you always cook 3 times more than what your visitors can consume, when there's a party.
your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
you can't enjoy a meal without patis or bagoong.
you eat fried Spam and hotdogs with rice.
you eat mangoes with rice - with great gusto.
you enjoy chocolate rice pudding and dried salted fish for breakfast.
you have a rosary or "fake bananas" hanging from your rear view mirror.
you tail an ambulance or cop just to beat the traffic.
your car horn can either laugh, bark, or moo.
your car plays a song when it backs up.
you can squeeze 15 passengers into your Honda Civic without a second thought.
you think traffic regulations are recommendations, not rules.
you think that traffic signs apply to everybody except yourself.
you point with your lips.
you eat using your hands and have it down to technique.
your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
you collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
you go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
you use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
you scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
you play pusoy and mahjong.
you put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say "Excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of them.
you buy tons of bath towels when they go on sale.
you still wear outdated clothes you have when you first came to the USA.
you say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom"
you say "for take out" instead of "to go."
you "open" or "close" the lights.
you ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
you say Kodakan instead of "take a picture."
you turn around when someone says "pssst."
you say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
you say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
you say "air-con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
you pronounce "F" for "P" or "P" for "F".
you own a karaoke system.
you have 5 pairs of tsinelas on your doorstep.
you refer to your VCR as the "Beytamax"
you have a rice dispenser with a matching rice cooker.
you own a Mercedez and call it "chedeng"
you have "My Shaldan" air freshener in your car.
you were raised to believe that every Filipino has an aunt, uncle, and cousins.
your mom or sister is a nurse.
you consider dilis the Filipino equivalent of french fries.
you dip bread in your morning coffee.
"Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
your baon is usually something over rice.
you eat rice for breakfast.
you wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.
you have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
you have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
you have to have a bottle of Jufran handy.
you know that chocolate meat isn't really made out of chocolate.
you spend Holy Week either performing acts of penitence or vacationing.
you get together with family at a cemetery on All Saints' Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves.
you think the Christmas season begins in September and ends in January.

Ten Things Men and Women Look for in Each Other

2006-01-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

Things women say they look for in a man (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (will do everything I say)

2. Sense of humor (will just grin and bear it when I abuse him)

3. Understanding (never asks how I spend his money)

4. Romantic (will take me to expensive restaurants anytime I want)

5. Strong (can take my physical and verbal abuse)

6. Has a good job (can pay for my expensive lifestyle)

7. Comes from a respectable family (comes from a filthy rich, landed family)

8. Supportive (will pay for child and spouse support in case we separate)

9. Smart (but not smart enough to pull one over me)

10. Simple (lives an ascetic lifestyle so he can pay for my needs)

Things men say they look for in a woman (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (big boobs)

2. Sense of humor (big boobs)

3. Understanding (big boobs)

4. Romantic (big boobs)

5. Strong (big boobs)

6. Has a good job (big boobs)

7. Comes from a respectable family (big boobs)

8. Supportive (big boobs)

9. Smart (big boobs)

10. Simple (big boobs)

Pinoy Joke: Anong Gantimpala Gusto Mo?

2006-01-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

Isang napakayamang hari ang nagpa-contest. Nagpalagay siya ng tatlong malalaking pating sa kanyang Olympic size swimming pool. Kung sino mang lalaki ang makatawid sa pool ay ibibigay niya ang kahit anong gusto nito. Dumating na nga ang araw na hihinintay ng lahat. Napakaraming kalalakihan ang dumalo. Maaga pa lang ay marami na ang nabigo. Nawawalan na ng pag-asa ang mahal na hari. Malapit na mag-gabi at kaunti na lang ang natitirang kalalakihan. Wala pa ring nakakatawid ng swimming pool. Talagang nabigo na yata ang ating mahal na hari. Sa hindi inaasahan, isang lalaki ang mabilis na lumalangoy sa pool. Si Pedro, ang Kapitan ng Mababang Barangay. Nakita niya ang unang pating na parating sa kanya. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Espinosang upper cut. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Patuloy siya sa paglangoy ng nakita niyang palapit naman sa kanya ang ikalawang pating. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Flash Elordeng left hook. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Mabilis na naman siyang nagpatuloy sa paglangoy ng makita niya ang pangatlo at huling pating sa pool na parating sa kanyang direksiyon. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Holyfield na jabs. Patay na namang lumutang ang pating. Patuloy ulit siyang lumangoy hanggang makarating sa dulo at sabay ahon. Gulat na gulat ang mahal na hari. Lumapit siya kay Pedro upang batiin ito. Subaybayan natin ang kanilang naging usapan:

HARI: Ang galing mo iho! Anong gantimpala ang gusto mo? Pera ba?
PEDRO: (Hingal sa Pagod) Hindi po.
HARI: Siguro gusto mo ng malaking lupain ko?
PEDRO: (Hingal pa rin) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Alam ko na gusto mo ng magagandang mga sasakyan ano?
PEDRO: (Lalong hinihingal) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Palagay ko naman 'yung anak kong magandang Prinsesa ang gusto mo ano?
PEDRO: (Hinihingal pa rin) Lalong hindi po.
HARI: (Galit na) Eh, ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Isa lang po ang gusto ko.
HARI: (Talagang galit na) Ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Gusto ko lang po....gusto ko lang pong malaman kung sino ang tumulak sa
akin sa swimming pool na 'yan?

Condom Packages

2006-01-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms.

The son asks, 'Dad, what's the three pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in high school: two for Friday night - one for Saturday night.'

The son asks, 'What's the six pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning.'

Then the son asks, 'What's the 12 pack for?'

'That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March...

How to stay young

2006-01-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

What kind of man are you looking for?

2006-01-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, do you really want to know? Reluctantly, he said Yes. She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.I am in the position to ask, What can you bring to the table? The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, I am not referring to money.

I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation.
I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made wo man to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,You are asking a lot. She replied, I'm worth a lot.

Send this to every woman who's worth a lot.

Who's your daddy?

2006-01-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?"

She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."

The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."

The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."

The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."

The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."

The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."

Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out.

The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."

A Carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee

2006-01-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

This was too good of a life lesson not to pass on!

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will
never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about
her life and how things were so hard for her. She did
not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.

She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three
pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon
the pots came to boil. In the first she placed
carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the
last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit
and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a
bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do
you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.
She did and noted that they were soft. The mother
then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard
boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to
sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its
rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it
mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had
faced the same adversity ... boiling water Each
reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard,
and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to
the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The
egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had
protected its liquid interior, but after sitting
through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After
they were in the boiling water, they had changed the
water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When
adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems
strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and
become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with he
heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a
breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial,
have I become hardened and stiff? Does my
shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually
changes the hot water, the very circumstance that
brings the pain When the water gets hot, it releases
the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,
when things are at their worst, you get better and
change the situation around you. When the hour is the
darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate
yourself to another level? How do you handle
adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the
best of everything; they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way. The brightest
future will always be based on a forgotten past; you
can't go forward in life until you let go of your past
failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying. You might want to send this
message to those people who mean something to
you; to those who have touched your life
in one way or another; to those who make you smile
when you really need it; to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down; to
those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who
are so meaningful in your life.

It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.

Boy Bastos Jokes

2006-01-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

Boy Bastos and his father

Isang araw, nung maliit pa lang si Boy Bastos (mga two years old pa lang), sabay silang naligo ng tatay niya nang mapansin niya yung ari ng kanyang ama.

Boy Bastos: Tay, ano po yan?

Tatay: A, eto, a, eh, ano to....

Boy Bastos: Yan pong nakalawit na yan?

Tatay: A, anak, eh, tuta to.

Boy Bastos: Tangnang tuta yan, mukhang tite!!!
---------------------------

Boy Bastos in class

(May class recitation sina Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: Who can give me a word that starts with A? Okay, Maria.

Maria: Ma'am, apple.

Teacher: Good. Now who can give me a word that starts with B?

(Nobody raises a hand except for Boy Bastos)

Teacher: O, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, bra!!!

(Everybody laughs. The teacher makes a mental note to not call Boy Bastos again. However, when the teacher asked for a word that starts with the letter P, no one raised a hand, except for Boy Bastos, so the teacher is forced to call him.)

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, panty!!!

(Again, everybody laughs. So the teacher, again, made a mental note to herself to not call Boy Bastos again. But when the letter Z came up, nobody raised a hand, except, again, for Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: (to self) Siguro naman, hindi na siya makakapag - isip ng bastos na sagot sa Z.

Teacher: Okay, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, zebra......... pero twelve inches yung tite!!!

Ngayon, galit na galit yung teacher kay Boy Bastos. Ini - report siya sa principal, at ipinatawag ang parents niya. Pinagalitan siya ng tatay niya, at umiiyak na si Boy Bastos.

Tatay: O, ngayon, magbigay ka ng salita na nagsisimula sa Z.

Boy Bastos: Zebra...... pero two inches na lang yung tite!!!

-----------------------------------

Boy Bastos and his classmates

Boy Bastos and his classmates were having recess one time. While playing with the other boys, he decides to show off his "thing."

Boy Bastos: Mga tol, eto ang tite na "almost perfect."

Classmates: Almost perfect?

Boy Bastos: Kase, yung sa tatay ko, yung tatay ko, sabi niya, "perfect" yung tite niya.

Classmates: Bakit "almost perfect" lang yang sa yo?

Boy Bastos: Kung maikli lang nang konti eto, "perfect" na sana to.

-------------------------------------------

Boy Bastos Prepares for Marriage

Ikakasal na si Boy Bastos, kaya binigyan siya ng tatay niya ng pera para magkaroon ng experience. Bago, lumabas, nakita niya ang lola niya.

Lola: O, Boy Bastos, anong gagawin mo?

Boy Bastos: Binigyan po ako ni tatay ng pera para magkaroon ng experience.

Lola: Wag na, ako na lang. Ibigay mo na lang sa akin yung kalahati ng pera na yan.

Boy Bastos: Sandali lang, lola, sasabihin ko lang kay tatay.

Bumalik si Boy Bastos sa bahay at sinabi ang pinag - usapan nila ng lola niya sa tatay niya.

Boy Bastos: Pwede ba, tay?

Tatay: Hinde!!! Hindi mo pwedeng tirahin yung nanay ko.

Boy Bastos: E bakit yung nanay ko, tinira mo?

----------------------------------------------

The Son of Boy Bastos Searches for a Wife

Ngayon, matanda na si Boy Bastos at binata na ang kanyang anak. Pinayagan niya na itong maghanap ng asawa, ngunit sa isang kondisyon: kailangan niyang humanap ng asawang inosesnte pa.

Naisip ng anak niya na upang makakita siya ng inosente, ipapapakita niya ang kanyang ari sa babae at titingnan ang reaksion nito.

Nalibot niya ang buong mundo, ngunit hindi siya makakita ng babaeng hindi alam kung ano yun. Ngunit isang araw, nakakita siya ng babaeng mukhang inosente at ipinakita niya yung kanyang tite.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

So, naisip niya, inosente nga ito, akala niya uod yung pinakita ko sa kanya.

At inuwi niya yung babae sa bahay para ipakilala kay Boy Bastos. Para maipakitang inosente nga, pinakita niya ulit yung tite niya, this time sa harap ni Boy Bastos.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

At nabilib si Boy Bastos, aba, inosente nga. Kaya sinubukan din ni Boy Bastos yung babae at ipinakita niya ang kanyang ari.

Boy Bastos: Ano to?

Babae: PUTANG INA, YAN ANG TITE!!!

-----------------------------------------

A Boy Bastos History Lesson

Jose Rizal at Maria Clara

Jose Rizal: Alam mo, Maria Clara, ikaw ang pinakamahinhing babaeng nakilala ko.

Maria Clara: Huuu, bola! Hilahin ko ang titi mo dyan eh.

-------------------------------------------

The Curse on Boy Bastos

Isang araw, dahil sa sobrang bastos ni Boy Bastos, kinulam siya ng isang mangkukulam (siyempre, ano pa ba yung kukulam sa kanya) at pinaliit ang tite niya. Naging gamunggo na lang yung tite niya!!! Isang taon daw siyang magiging ganito.

Ngayon, siyempre na bad-trip siya, kase, pucha naman, kahit sino namang kulamin mo at gawing gamunggo lang yung tite eh ma-ba bad trip, diba? Kaya siyempre nagtanong-tanong siya sa mga matatanda sa kanya kung paano maaalis yung kulam sa kanya.

Sabi ng lola niya, "Ahh, alam ko na. Pumunta ka sa ikapitong gubat ng ikapitong bundok pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Doon, meron kang makikitang matandang ermitanyo. Ngayon, merong ipapagawa sa yo yung ermitanyo, tapos, pwede ka nang mag-wish."

Kaya pumunta si Boy Bastos sa ikapitong gubat ng ikapitong bundok pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Pagdating niya doon, meron siyang nakitang matandang unano na nakaupo sa isang bato. Kinausap ito ni Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: A, eh, mama, kayo ho ba yung matandang ermitanyo?

Matanda: Oo, amang, ako nga yon.

Boy Bastos: E, pwede niyo ho ba akong tulungan?

Matanda: Oo, pero me ipapagawa muna ako sa yo.

Boy Bastos: Ano po iyon?

Matanda: Pwede ba kitang tirahin sa pwet?

(Sandali, hindi pa yun yung joke!)

Nag-isip si Boy Bastos. Hindi naman siguro malaki yung tite nitong matandang to, eh wala pa atang 3 feet tong unanong to eh. Kesa naman isang taong gamunggo yung titi ko.

Boy Bastos: Sige ho payag ako!

Matanda: O sige, tuwad na!

Tumuwad si Boy Bastos. Inilabas ng matanda yung titi niya, nagulat si Boy Bastos dahil, putangna pare kasing laki ng dalawang brasong pinagdikit yung tite ng matandang unano. Sige tol, ipagdikit mo yung mga braso mo. Yung mga kamao mo, ganyan kalaki yung ulo nung etits ng matanda.

Hindi na nakahindi si Boy Bastos dahil naunahan na siya ng matanda. Binanatan ng matanda yung pwet ni Boy Bastos nang halos tatlong oras non-stop! Siguro, ngayon, pagkatapos nito, wala nang tunog ang utot ni Boy Bastos. Wala nang friction eh.

Pagkatapos, kinausap ni Boy Bastos ang matanda na abot-tenga ang ngiti.

Boy Bastos: Eh, mama, ngayon ho, pwede na ba akong mag-wish?

Matanda: Ala eh, amang , pagkatanda mo na e naniniwala ka pa sa mga wish-wish?

-------------------------------------------------

Boy Bastos in Florida

Isang araw, nasa Florida si Boy Bastos. Siyempre, maraming swamp sa lugar na yon. Ngayon, napunta siya sa isang bar na nag-aalok ng libreng beer. For life.

Siyempre, pumasok si Boy Bastos sa bar at tinanong niya yung bartender kung ano yung kailangang gawin para makuha yung free beer for life.

Sumagot ang bartender, "A, meron kang tatlong kailangang gawin. Una, nakikita mo yang gallon na yan? Yan ang pinakamatapang na gin sa buong Florida. Kailangan mong tunggain ang laman niyan nang isang lagok.

"Pangalawa, sa likod, naririnig mo yung ingay na yun? Sa likod, merong isang buwayang me toothache, umiiyak. Kailangan mo siyang bunutan ng ipin."

"Pangatlo, sa itaas, me isang babaeng hindi pa nakakaranas ng orgasm buong buhay nya. Kailangan mo siyang pasayahin at paranasin ng orgasm."

Naisip ni Boy Bastos na kayang-kaya nya to, kaya walang sabi-sabi eh tinungga niya yung isang gallon na gin. Straight.

Palakpakan ang mga tao sa bar. Sugod si Boy Bastos papunta sa likod ng bar, papunta sa buwaya.

Ang lakas ng sigawan sa likod, grabe, naghahalo yung mga sigaw ng buwaya at ni Boy Bastos. Siguro, mga thirty minutes na tuloy-tuloy, walang tigil. Takot na takot na yung mga tao. Tapos me isang malakas na sigaw, na sinundan ng katahimikan. Nag-aalala na yung mga tao.

Pagkatapos ng limang minuto, bumalik si Boy Bastos. Duguan ang mga damit nya at halos di na sya makalakad, grabe. Halos wala na rin siyang energy. Pero, sa natitira niyang lakas nakuha pa niyang magtanong, "NASAAN NA YUNG BABAENG MASAKIT ANG NGIPIN!?!"

------------------------------------------------------

Bolang Mabuhok

(May class recitation ulit sina Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: Okay, class, sinong makakapagbigay sa akin ng example ng isang bolang mabuhok? Ok, Maria.

Maria: Ma'am, tennis ball, ma'am.

Teacher: Okay, Maria, very good. Who can give me another? Ok, Juan.

Juan: Ma'am, rambutan po.

Teacher: Very good Juan.Ok, I need one more example before I dismiss you class. Ok, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, billiards ball.

Teacher: Ha? E makinis yung billiards ball, eh.

Boy Bastos: Hindi po, ma'am. Hoy, Billiard, ipakita mo nga kay ma'am yung bayag mo!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pambabae

Nasa isang mall si Boy Bastos nang bigla siyang ma-jingle. Pumunta siya sa pinakamalapit na CR pero sarado ang men's room. Dahil desperado, sa women's room na lang siya nag-CR. Nang palabas siya, nahuli siya ng janitor.

Janitor: Hoy, bakit dito ka umihe, hindi mo ba alam na pambabae itong CR na to?

Inilabas ni Boy Bastos ang tite at ipinakita sa janitor.

Boy Bastos: E bakit ito, hindi ba ito pambabae?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Kutsara

Nagtrabaho sa isang restaurant si Boy Bastos bilang isang waiter. Habang kinukuha ang order ng isang customer, natabig ng customer ang kutsara niya. Agad namang dumukot sa kanyang bulsa si Boy Bastos ng kutsara sa bulsa niya. Nabilib ang customer.

Customer: Astig ah! Lahat ba kayong waiter dito, merong kutsarang ready sa bulsa?

Boy Bastos: Opo. Meron kasi kaming "efficiency expert" dito. Sabi niya, 23.6% ng mga customer, natatabig ang mga kutsara. Para makatipid sa oras ng lakad, meron na kaming ready na kutsara sa bulsa.

Natapos nang kumain ang customer at kinuha niya na ang chit niya. Napansin niyang merong nakalabas na tali mula sa zipper ni Boy Bastos.

Customer: Bakit ka merong tali diyan sa zipper mo?

Boy Bastos: Lahat kaming waiter dito, merong ganyan. Nakakabit yan sa ari namin, para pag-iihe kami, hindi na namin kailangang hawakan para ilabas. Sabi kasi nung "efficiency expert" namin, 15.6% ng oras ang nauubos sa pag-hugas ng kamay pagkagaling sa CR.

Customer: Matanong ko lang, pa'no mo ibinabalik yung ari mo sa pantalon?

Boy Bastos: Ewan ko lang sa ibang waiter ha, pero ako ginagamit ko yung kutsara.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tong-its Session

Isang hapon, naglalaro ng tong-its si Boy Bastos at ang iba nyang mga kaibigan. Nandun sila sa bahay ng kaibigan nyang si Pedro.

Problema lang, ang kulit-kulit ng anak ni Pedro na limang taon pa lang. Sinisilip nya ang baraha ng mga naglalaro at sinisigaw akung ano yung baraha, kaya nasisira yung laro nila.

Dahil dito, na-bad trip na talaga si Boy Bastos, kaya hinila nya yung bata at dinala nya sa kwarto. After 15 minutes, bumalik si Boy Bastos sa mesa, na hindi na kasama yung bata. Tuloy sila nang laro.

Natapos yung session nila nang madaling araw na. Napansin nila na mula nung dinala ni Boy Bastos sa kwarto yung bata, hindi na bumalik para mangulit.

Nagtanong si Pedro tungkol sa anak nya, "Boy Bastos, anong ginawa mo sa anak ko, pa'no mo napatigil sa pangungulit?"

"Andun sa kwarto, tinuruan kong mag-jakol."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

After a Hot Date

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa birdie ni Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Gusto mo ulit?

Girl: Hindi, nami-miss ko lang, meron kasi ako dati nito eh!

------------------------------------------------------

More (Corny) Boy Bastos

"Nanay, hayop po ba ang tahong?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina.

"Hindi, anak," sagot ng ina. "Sea food 'yun. Bakit mo naitanong?"

"Kasi, sabi ni Itay, 'Inday, hayop ang tahong mo! Ang laki! Ang dami mo pang kangkong!'"

"Nanay, hayop po ba ang talong?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina nang sumunod na araw.

"Hindi, anak," sagot ng ina. "Gulay ang talong. Bakit mo naman naitanong 'yan?"

"Kasi, narinig ko si Inday na sumigaw, 'Kuya, hayop ang talong mo! Ang laki!'"

Sabay na naligo si Boy Bastos at ang kanyang ina. Napansin ni Boy Bastos ang buhok na tumatakip sa ari ng kanyang ina.

"Inay, ano 'yang itim na damo sa harapan mo?" tanong ni Boy Bastos.

"Ah, eh, escoba ito," pagsisinungaling ng ina.

"Kaya pala makinis ang mukha ni Daddy," sabi ni Boy Bastos. "

Kasi, kita ko siya, palaging ikinikiskis niya ang mukha niya sa escoba ni Inday."

Nagpapayabangan sina Boy Bastos at Totoy Mola.

"Ang galing ng tatay ko, kumakain ng apoy 'yon," sabi ni Totoy Mola.

"Mas magaling ang tatay ko, kumakain ng tela!" sagot ni Boy Bastos.

"Niloloko mo naman ako, eh!"

"Hindi, ah! Kagabi, narinig ko si itay, sabi niya kay inay, 'Alisin mo na 'yang panty mo, love, at kakainin ko na?'"

"Bakit malaki ang tiyan mo?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina.

"Dahil may ginawa kami ni daddy, baby brother mo," sagot ng ina.

"Bakit malaki ang tiyan ni daddy?"

"A, iyon? Sa kakainom niya ng beer."

"Ah? Akala ko sa kaiihip ni yaya sa ari niya, eh," sagot ni Boy Bastos.

Test ng English class nina Boy Bastos. Ipinatawag ng principal ang kanilang teacher. Si Boy Bastos ang naatasan na magmando ng mga kaklase niya.

"Tandaan mo, Boy Bastos," paalala ng teacher. "Pagkatapos ng kalahating oras, kahit hindi pa sila tapos, erase mo na ang mga tanong sa blackboard at ipasa na nila ang papel nila."

"Opo, teacher," sagot ni Boy Bastos.

"Inglisin mo, ha!"

"Opo, teacher."

Lumabas ang guro at nagpatuloy ang eksam. Pagkatapos ng kalahating oras, tumayo si Boy Bastos sa harapan ng klase niya para magsalita, "Sabi ni titser kung penis na kayo, buburatin ko na ang blackboard, baka mapekpek ninyo ang test kaya penis or not penis, fuck your pepe," taglish na utos ni Boy Bastos.

Natutulog sa Religion class niya si Boy Bastos habang nagtuturo ang guro. "Sino ang may gawa ng mundo?" tanong ng guro at nakatingin kay Boy Bastos na natutulog. Napansin ito ni Girly Landi kaya tinusok niya si Boy Bastos ng lapis at nagising bigla si Boy Bastos.

"Diyos ko!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos sa gulat.

"Very good," sabi ng teacher kaya bumalik ulit sa pagtulog si Boy Bastos.

"At sino ang reyna ng buong kalangitan?" tanong ulit ng guro at napansin na naman niya si Boy Bastos na natutulog kaya tinusok na naman ito ni Girly Landi ng matulis na lapis. Napasigaw na naman ito.

"Sus Marya!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos. "Tama ulit, ngayon, ano ang sinabi ni Eba kay Adan pagkapanganak niya?" Tinusok na naman ni Girly Landi si Boy Bastos at tuluyan nang nagalit si Boy Bastos.

"Tigilan mo na 'yang katutusok sa akin, kundi, babaliin ko 'yan!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos na ikinahimatay ng teacher nila."

The Greatest Pieces of Advice

2006-01-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking. :-)

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what youcan be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, anddangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.

Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets morechallenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow UP!

Charles Schultz's Philosophy

2006-01-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Note: You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read this message straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that he is trying to make!

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through life.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The Lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

My One-eyed mother

2006-01-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

here is a nice story worth reading and reflecting upon..
----------------------------------------------------------------

My mom only had one eye.
I hated her... she was such an embarrassment...
my mom ran a small shop at a flea market.
She collected little weeds and such to sell...
anything for the money we needed
she was such an embarrassment.
There was this one day during elementary school...
it was field day, and my mom came.
I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to
me? I threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school...
"Your mom only has one eye?!?!...and they
taunted me.
I wished that my mom would just disappear from
this world so I said to my mom,
"mom... why dont you have the other eye?!
If you're only going to make me a laughingstock,
why dont you just die?!!!"
My mom did not respond...
i guess i felt a little bad, but at the same time, it
felt good to think that i had said what Id wanted to
say all this time...
maybe it was because my mom hadnt punished
me, but i didnt think that i had hurt her feelings very
badly. That night...
I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she
was afraid that she might wake me.
I took a look at her, and then turned away.
Because of the thing I had said to her earlier, there
was something pinching at me in the corner of my
heart.
Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of
her one eye. So I told myself that I would grow up
and become successful.
Cause I hated my one-eyed mom and our
desperate poverty...
Then I studied real hard.
I left my mother and came to Seoul and studied,
and got accepted in the Seoul University with all
the confidence I had.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
Then I had kids, too...
now Im living happily as a successful man.
I like it here because it's a place that doesnt
remind me of my mom.
This happiness was getting bigger and bigger,
when...
What?!
Who's this?!
...it was my mother...
..Still with her one eye.
It felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.
My little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye.
And I asked her,
"who are you?!"
"I dont know you!!!" as if trying to make that real. I
screamed at her," How dare you come to my
house and scare my daughter!"
"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered,
"oh, Im so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong
address,"
and she disappeared out of sight.
Thank good ness... she doesnt recognize me...
i was quite relieved.

I told myself that I wasnt going to care, or think
about this for the rest of my life.
Then a wave of relief came upon me...
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came
to my house. So, lying to my wife that I was going
on a business trip, I went.
After the reunion, I went down to the old shack,
that I used to call a house...just out of curiosity
there, i found my mother fallen on the cold ground.
but i did not shed a single tear.
she had a piece of paper in her hand.... it was a
letter to me. my son...
i think my life has been long enough now..
And... i wont visit Seoul anymore...
but would it be too much to ask if i wanted you to
come visit me once in a while?
i miss you so much... and i was so glad when i
heard you were coming for the reunion.
but i decided not to go to the school.
...for you...
and Im sorry that i only have one eye, and i was
an embarrassment for you.
you see, when you were very little, you got into
an
accident, and lost your eye. as a mom, i couldnt
stand watching you having to grow up with only
one eye... so i gave you mine...
i was so proud of my son that was seeing a
whole
new world for me, in my place, with that eye. i
was
never upset at you for anything you did... the
couple times that you were angry with me, i
thought to myself, 'it's because he loves me.. 'my
son... oh, my son...
i dont want you to cry for me, because of my
death. please dont cry...
my son, i love you so much...

Pinoy Joke: Ang pag-uwi ni nanay

2006-01-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

Registered nurse si Maria sa States. Kasama nya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot din doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Maria.
Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin
ng mga kapamilya niya na dikit ang mukha sa salamin ng ataul. Nagcomment tuloy and isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika!"

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong.

Aba! May sulat sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa.

Ito'y isang liham mula kay Maria: (magbaon ng panyo)

Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid,

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $1,000 na.

Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...

1. Nasa likod ni nanay ang 24 na corned beef;

2. And adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay;

3. Ang 5 pairs ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng 2 blue Jansports na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo;

4. Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate/candy ay nasa puetan ni nanay; (Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi matunaw ang mga ito);

5) Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. (Gift ko sa 1st b'day ng bata. )

6) Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. (Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay,
japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. )

7) Suot ni nanay ang 3 Ralph Lauren, 4 Gap, at 2 Old Navy t-shirts. (Isa kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta. );

8) Suot din ni inay ang 6 pantyhoses at 3 warmers para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.

9) May 1 dozen NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. (Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, Dikong, & Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume).

10) Ang 2 pairs ng Nike wristbands/kneecaps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, Diko, na nagbabasketball.

11) Tigalawang ream ng Marlboro green at Winston Lights ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.

12) 4 jars ng Skippy Peanut Butter, 2 dishwashing liquids, 1 Kiwi glass cleaner, at tig-aanim na Colgates/AquaFresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan ha?

13) 1 dozen WonderBras na gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iska, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya.

14) Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Kunin mo agad, tatay.

15) Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) na gustong-gusto mo, Ditse, ay suot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, Ditse.

16) 1 RayBan ladies sunglasses na pa-b'day ko kay Ninang Berta, hindi ko pinasuot kay nanay.(Isiniksik ko na lang sa may bandang ulunan ni nanay. Nasa pink na plastik na maliit.)

17) Mga Chanel/Champion na medyas, suot-suot din ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo, mga pamangkin ko.

18) Misc: Mga pampers, pantyliners, cottonbuds/balls, table napkins, at mga scotchbrite na may foam ay natatakpan ng mga puting bath towels... yon bale ang pinangkutson ko sa kabaong ni
nanay.

(Marami-rami rin yon. Parte-parte rin kayo.)

Marami pa akong ipinagsisiksik kung saan-saang parte gaya ng cafe, coffee creamer, ilang vienna sausages na delata, barbie dolls, toothbrushes, papercups, plastic spoons/forks, paper/styrofoam plates, perfumes/colognes, pens, stationaries, envelopes, soaps, matchbox toys, used t-shirts, handtowels, CD's, VHS tapes, padlocks, tools gaya ng screwdrivers, plais,
longnose, atbp. na hindi ko na na-itemize dahil nagmamadali ako.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si Nanay pa ang maiwan.

Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, Dikong, at Ditse. Para sa inyo lahat yan. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Paki-doublecheck ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.

Nagmamahal,
Maria

P.S. Pakibihisan ninyo agad si Nanay!

The King and His Four Wives

2006-01-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult
times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone." Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

”No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives:

Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasure rest of the world. However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

Men vs. Women

2006-01-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I (the cashier) asked, after folding up the items for the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - (FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I
can't believe that, show me " The wife fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK
CAN HANDLE IT.

Mr Bean's guide to fun in an elevator

2006-01-03T20:58:00.000-08:00

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it isn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say: "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask: "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others: "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Te ll people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out: "group hug!" - then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask "Hey Little guy, you got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror "You're one of THEM aren't you!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

Life Explained

2006-01-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sitall day by the door of your house and bark at anyonewho comes in or walks by. For this, I will give you alife span of 20 years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. Howabout only 10 years and I'll give you back the other10?"So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. Forthis, I'll give you a 20-year life span."The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's apretty long time to perform. How about I give you back10 like the dog did?"And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "Youmust go into the field with the farmer all day longand suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk tosupport the farmer's family. For this, I will give youa life span of 60 years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want meto live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give backthe other 40?"And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat,sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'llgive you 20 years."But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly giveme my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkeygave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes80, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, playand enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave inthe sun to support our family. For the next 10 yearswe do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porchand bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Pinoy Jokes: Expand Your Vocabulary

2006-01-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING>
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka egg
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Thesis - ito ay...

Old Pinoy Jokes

2006-01-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

Ibang posisyon
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That?s a good idea dear?.doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

Pinoy ingenuity?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man ' s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It ' s called a magnifiying glass.

Vibrating cellphone
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, nagba - vibrate.
Mr: E anong gagawin ko? Kukunin ko sa panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger baka ma-low bat!

Regalo
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni PARE ang birthday gift mo ah?
Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

Kriminal
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIM INAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya...

Si Gino
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

Tutpik
Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang mabali.
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan,pero kayo lang nakabali!

Confident Vs. Confidential
Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

Panchito, Babalu, Dolphy
Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC -- Alak, Babae at Cigarette.
Babalu: Ako naman DEF -- Damo, Egg at Frutas.
Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.

First love never dies
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies?"
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang animal!

Suko sa mister
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.

Pagod daw...
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

Pari't Madre
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!

Estudyante
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500 Studiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa studiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL ok yun!

After the wedding
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

Pamboboso
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun, ah ! Ano ginawa mo?
Anak: Inalis ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di n'ya makita!

Promotion
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko, ha?
Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

Ampon
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!

Ang sulat
Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

Immigration
Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: Your name please...
A: Abdul Aziz
Q: Sex?
A: Twice a week.
Q: I mean male or female?
A: Does not matter...sometimes even with camel.

Liit naman
Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ! ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: E bat ikaw naka brief !!!

Downy
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba syempre ah!!! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!!!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

Hide and Seek
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lng ako ng piano...

Ngongo
dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!

Madre
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po cla...d nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.
Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!!

Rape Suspek
ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape
sayo?
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...
SUSPEK: cge!...mangasar ka pa!!!!

Lost a Bird
a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, any1 seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant any1 seen my bird?
...all nuns stood up

Dalawang Sira ulo....
Sira1: Magaling ka na ba?
Sira2: Oo namn!!!
Sira1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?
Sira2: Ano ko cra? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag pa ko!!!

TEACHER and BOY
TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: baket naman?
BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.

Life's Lessons

2006-01-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon

Filipino Expressions and their Hidden Meanings

2006-01-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

1. "mwah" means "i love you" (haaayyyy kaya pala)
2. "la lang" means "i miss you" or "love kita, di mo alam?"
3. "ok ka lang?" means " ano ka hilo?!?!"
4. "hay nako!" means " seryoso ako"
5. "ingat ka lagi" means "i care for you"
6. "musta na?" means " sino'ng love mo?"
7. "secret" means " ikaw"-> oo ikaw!
8. "ano'ng problema mo?" means " hurt naman ako"
9. "kayo pa rin ba?" means "ako naman"
10. "chick boy ka pala eh!" means " ang kapal mo!!!"
11. "grabe ha!!!" means " selos ako"
12. "saan?" means " sama ako!"
13. "shit!" means "tae!! pinaganda lang"
14. "inaantok na ako" means "wala kang kwentang kausap"
15. "may gagawin pa ako eh" means "maghanap ka ng kausap mo"
16. "bakit naman?" means "alam mo namang ikaw lang"
17. "nakakaaliw ka" means " ang cute mo "
18. "ewan" means " oo "
19. "ganon?" means "kapal mo!!"
20. "eh kasi" means "nahihiya ako"
21. "talaga lang ha?" means "naku, bola!!"
22. "basta" means "magtanong ka pa"
23. "busy ka?" means " kausapin mo naman ako
24. "pwede ba" means " mas cute naman ako sa kanya "
25. "may kasabay ka?" means "nood tayo ng sine & kain sa labas"
26. "miss nahulog" means "anong number mo?"
27. "magwiwithdraw pa ako" means "pucha naman, ikaw muna!!"
28. "may bar ya ka sa 100?" means "pautang muna, sa sweldo na kita babayaran"
29. "kawawa ka naman" means "buti nga... sabi ko sayo eh!"
30. "susunod ako" means "umalis ka na! ang kulit mo eh"
31. "thank you sa gift ha" means "ang cheap mo naman

Words Women Use

2006-01-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Filipino Jokes: Mga Natutunan Ko Kay Inay at Itay

2006-01-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo,
kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC.
"Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng
sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY.
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA.
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER.
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan
ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin
sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag-inarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY.
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING.
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR.
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano
ang JUSTICE.
"Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak magiging katulad mo at
magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

Pinoy Jokes: ‘Clever’ answers in beauty pageants

2005-12-31T03:35:00.000-08:00

Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?

Contestant: Hmmm...taptoy.

Host: What taptoy?

Contestant: Taptoy na teddy bird.

* * *

Host: If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?

Girl: Bocaue.

Host: Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines. Why Bocaue?

Girl: Because it’s a magnificent place.

Host: Which part of Bocaue?

Girl: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

* * *

Host (of Little Miss Philippines contest): Anong gusto mo paglaki mo?

Contestant: Maging lalaki po!

* * *

Host: What is your best feature?

Contestant: My graduation feature.

* * *

Host: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?

Contestant: Bra!

* * *

Host: What is your favorite motto?

Contestant: If others can’t why, why can’t I?

* * *

Host: What would you like to say to foreigners?

Contestant: Please come back.

* * *

Host (of a gay beauty contest): What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?

Contestant (Hesitating, thinking and then smiling): Eggplant po!

* * *

Host: What is your typical day?

Contestant: I think Saturday po!

* * *

Host (of a gay beauty contest): Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?

Contestant: I think and believe na bilang isang bading...ano nga po ulit ’yung question?

* * *

Host: What is your favorite motto?

Contestant (After a long pause): Don’t have a motto, eh. (The crowd helps her out, "Time is gold! Time is gold!")

Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!

* * *

Host: So you’re vegetarian. What is your favorite vegetable?

Contestant: I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and...what’s that? Kalabash?

* * *

Host: Who is your favorite fictional character?

Girl: Jose Rizal. (Crowd starts laughing)

Host: Who is your favorite hero then?

Contestant: Hulk Hogan.

* * *

Host: If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?

Female Contestant: Hmmm... A bumble bee!

* * *

Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?

Girl: My edge...23 years old.

* * *

Host: How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Girl: I’ll be 28.

* * *

Host: So you like reading. Who’s your favorite author?

Girl: Hmmm... Shakespeare.

Host: What works of Shakespeare?

Girl: Hindi ko po alam, eh.

Host: But he’s your favorite.

Girl: Eh kasi patay na siya, eh!

* * *

Host: What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?

Girl: Drugs.

Host: Why?

Girl: Mahal, eh!

Enhancing Relationships

2005-12-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose
number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than
you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed
suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

The Atheist and the Bear

2005-12-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods . . .

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look; and there was a huge grizzly bear rushing

towards him. He turned and ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

Not seeing the path dip, he tripped and fell. Rolling over he saw the bear
right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my
God!..."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped to his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord. Amen."

Slow Down Therapy

2005-12-21T04:19:00.000-08:00

1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it
all yourself right now.

2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment
has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

3. Set your own pace. When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them
they're pushing.

4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves
blow, your neighbor mow.

5. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable
for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

6. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess.
God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

7. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next.
Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.

8. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little
person inside you.

9. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you
can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.

10. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't a luxury;
it's a necessity.

11. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by
words.

12. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not
scheduling.

13. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's
fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.

14. Make time for play - the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your
inner child needs re-creation.

15. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.

16. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders. There
will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

17. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the
universe, can you hope to do any better?

18. Take time to read the Bible and inspiring words. Thoughtful reading is
enriching reading.

19. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and
efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning,
not the one who finishes first.

20. Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and
hermits without becoming one.

21. Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.

22. Work with your hands. It frees the mind.

23. Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the
invitations. Less really can be more.

24. Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is
the best.

25. Take a walk - but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere,
you sacrifice the walking.

26. Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more,
you are blessed. Bless them in return.

27. Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.

Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita

2005-12-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....

"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."

"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?

"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."

"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?

"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."

"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"

"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."

"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"

"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."

"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"

"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"

"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."

"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"

"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."

"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"

"Para sa burol po."

"Ano? Kaninong burol?

"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

Overcome Criticism and Learn from Your Mistakes

2005-12-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

by Cheri Swales

"Critical comments can be like a scalpel cutting to the bone," says Kare Anderson of Say It Better. Like it or not, everyone makes mistakes and poor decisions for which they receive criticism. And many professionals, no matter how hard they work to succeed, waste time with negative self-talk. They hope internal verbal abuse will make them better leaders.

Are We Too Hard on Ourselves?

Sometimes leaders should be hard on themselves, like in the cases of the illegal acts and highly unethical decisions that end up in the media. But people are frequently too hard on themselves about the occasional poor decision, tending to beat themselves up for one bad choice.

As children, we were told "no" more than 35,000 times before we entered kindergarten. Negative statements made by those professing to help us could be devastating. As we grew up, these negative statements made permanent impressions on our psyches. Then, as adults, we restate these negative comments internally any time someone criticizes our work or mentions our flaws. Within a few seconds, an entire lifetime of negativity surfaces, leaving us beaten and battered.

Women vs. Men

Experts say women tend to handle criticism and negativity differently from how men do. In fact, the old adage for businesswomen has been, "Die before cry!" Women tend to take such evaluation in the workplace much more personally. Women actually associate with the pain of a negative situation, while men disassociate from it.

One boss used to tell me to "toughen up," "thicken your skin" and "keep a stiff upper lip." I wasn't too crazy about his advice, but he helped me in my career. As a leader, I don't let criticism bother me so much and can overcome it more quickly.

Handle Criticism Like a Pro

According to Dr. Christina Swart-Opperman, a partner at PricewaterhouseCoopers, there are three A's to follow when presented with criticism: ask, acknowledge and add. In her bimonthly newsletter she says, "Immediately, your instincts kick in; you're hurt and offended, and you want to strike. Frequently, though, you'll only exacerbate the problem by responding with anger."

She suggests acknowledging the critic with a nod and a word or two to let him know you heard what was said, not that you agree. Don't immediately decide if the criticism is justified, and don't lay blame. Next, ask the critic to listen to your side of the story. The key is to consider the criticism rationally and not emotionally. Show you are willing to listen, and hopefully he will do the same. Finally, add your thoughts, and decide if you agree with the criticism. If you need to apologize, do so.

Some additional ideas to think about:

Consider whether you need to make some personal changes.

Say "stop" to yourself when negative self-talk starts.

View the situation as a stepping-stone instead of a brick wall.

Learn the lesson and move on. Never dwell on criticism.

Don't hold grudges. They only hurt you, not the other person.

These steps will help you disassociate from the pain of the criticism and deal with the situation as a professional.

Learn from Your Mistakes

The famous motivator Denis Waitley says, "Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." Business guru Tom Peters says, "Fail forward." Philosopher Jim Rohn says, "The only way to get more in life is to become more. We all experience criticism. The more we achieve, the more we get. Take a positive view of criticism and, allow it to take you to the next level."

This is sound advice, but refusing to accept personal responsibility for mistakes is the biggest error. Learn from mistakes, and don't get caught in the blame game. Move on, focus on the overall goal, and show your team you're a pro.

Pinoy Jokes Etc...

2005-12-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

Papaano mo sasabihin ng buong galang sa kausap mo na bad breath siya na
hindi maoofend?
Ganito: "Mawalang galang na po... tae po ba ulam nyo kanina?"

MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.

ATE: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo
para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
SIS: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, bicolano pala!

PUPIL: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
TEACHER: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi
bumubukol ang utot...
PUPIL: Naku patay! Tae na to!

Pano kung di ka marunong magmahal?
Tapos biglang dumating sa buhay mo yung magtuturo sa yo?
Sa kabilang banda, minahal mo siya at nahulog ka sa... kanal...
Pano na yun? Mabaho ka na? Dyahe sa kanya di ba?

Lumindol ng malakas noon...
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki..."Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
sumagot ang isa pang lalaki...
"Tanga! Akinse pa alang!"

TINDERO: Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP: Sige, bibili ako para sa computer ko!
TINDERO: Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP: Haler! May Windows din kaya yun!

PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.

Mag-asawa having sex...
HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!
WIFE: Ahhh...Shit! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee... Oooh... Patay na
dagaaaa!

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa ari ng boy...
BOY: Gusto mo pa uli?
GIRL: Hindi, namimiss ko lang... Meron kase ako nito dati eh.

PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!

D next day...
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!

The Jar of Life

2005-12-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...
and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, and the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full; they agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." A good one I think:

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things: your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter--like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else: The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just filler.

One of the students raised his hand and enquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID!

Use in a Sentence

2005-12-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

1. Use TENACIOUS in a sentence. Tennis Ace
____ I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of
TENACIOUS Shoes .

2. Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT,and DETAIL in a sentence.
____ DEDUCT Rubber Duck jumped over DEFENSE Peeking Over Fence ,first DEFEAT Foot and then DETAIL.

3. Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
____ I hear dripping in the sink.
Washing Dishes I think DEPOSIT Water is leaking.

4. Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
____ Jack and Jill got married on Nov. 1, 1997. So on Nov. 1,
1998, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING Bride & Groom anniversary.

5. Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
____ Every morning I wait for the bus at Bus DEVASTATION.

6. Use IRAQ, EGYPT, and IRAN in a sentence.
____ I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then Running IRAN.

7. Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
____ PAUL, be care PAUL, you might PAUL Falling Down in the swimming PAUL. Swimming

8. Use CUISINE in a sentence.
____ I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a CUISINE Teacher math.

9. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
____ At the gas station, some people PAMPERS Gas Pump and some PAPERS Money Credit Card .

10. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
____ (phone rings).....Hello? On The Phone
Who SCHOOLING?

11. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
____ Maria is wearing AFFECT Engagement Ring diamond ring.

12. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
____ If you are ADIEU Menorah , the Arabs Muslim Man will kill you.

13. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
____ You can order that medicine over
!
Over The Counter DECANTER .

14. Use DEFLATE in a sentence.
____ Can you please wash DEFLATE Washing Dishes for me?

15. Use DELE! TION in a sentence.
____ The balat of DELETION Pig 2 is crispy.

16. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
____ Who baked all Pie DESPISE?

17. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
____ I am looking for DIFFERENT Husband And Wife of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic.

AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND
UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:

18. Use BORROW in a sentence.
____ Ang dumi naman ng BORROW Dress mo.

19. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
____ Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN Toy Truck mo iyang laruan mo.

20. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
____ Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero,

Plate CONTEMPLATE .

21. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
____ Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun,pero, ma-ARTESIA. Shy Girl

22. Use CADET in a sentence. Bachelorette Party
____ CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.

23. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
____ Na CARDIAC Car 1 yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.

24. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
____ Na-CENTURION Moony si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

26. Use DEFIED in a sentence.
____ What is 2 + 3? Eh DEFIED 5 , dali naman niyon.

27. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
____ Bagal mo... DELICACY Prison Guard mahuhuli na tayo.

28. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
____ Sister, DEPRECIATE 7 already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.

29. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
___ Brownout... Blackout siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.

30. Use LAITY in a sentence.
____ Taga "laity" si Disco Dance Imelda Marcos.

31. Use MENTION in a sentence.
____ Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang House 2 MENTION.

A METHOD OF EARLY STROKE DETECTION: YOU MAY SAVE A LIFE

2005-12-19T18:39:00.000-08:00

During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They
got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She
had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed an getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE
(Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today) If he or she has trouble
with any of these tasks, call
9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you
could save their lives.

Let your friends know.......