How to tell if you're a real Pinoy

• you're related to everyone.
  
• your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy"
  
• you have uncles and aunts names Boy, Girlie, or Baby.
  
• you have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables, such as Jun-Jun, Ling-Ling, Mon-Mon.
  
• you call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito and "Tita."
  
• All of your children have 4 or 5 names.
  
• you greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
  
• you always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave a room.
  
• your grandmother greets you by giving you "smelling kisses."
  
• you live with your parents until - and at times even after you're married.
  
• you can't build or buy a house unless you first consult a feng shui expert.
  
• your house has a distinctive smell.
  
• you decorate your living room wall with your family's framed diplomas and certificates.
  
• you decorate your dining room wall with a giant wooden spoon and fork and a picture of the Last Supper.
  
• you keep your furniture wrapped in plastic.
  
• most of your home decor is made out of wicker.
  
• your house has a "dirty" kitchen and a "clean" kitchen.
  
• your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
  
• you recycle plastic shopping bags as garbage bags.
  
• you own "Footsteps in the Sand" poster.
  
• you have a piano that no one plays.
  
• you keep a tabo in your bathroom.
  
• you own a "barrel man."
  
• you use a stone to scrub yourself in the shower.
  
• you use Vicks Vapor Rub as an insect repellant.
  
• your meal isn't complete without rice.
  
• you use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
  
• you can't eat a meal without a spoon and fork.
  
• you feel insulted if your visitors don't eat what you offer them.
  
• you always cook 3 times more than what your visitors can consume, when there's a party.
  
• your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
  
• you can't enjoy a meal without patis or bagoong.
  
• you eat fried Spam and hotdogs with rice.
  
• you eat mangoes with rice - with great gusto.
  
• you enjoy chocolate rice pudding and dried salted fish for breakfast.
  
• you have a rosary or "fake bananas" hanging from your rear view mirror.
  
• you tail an ambulance or cop just to beat the traffic.
  
• your car horn can either laugh, bark, or moo.
  
• your car plays a song when it backs up.
  
• you can squeeze 15 passengers into your Honda Civic without a second thought.
  
• you think traffic regulations are recommendations, not rules.
  
• you think that traffic signs apply to everybody except yourself.
  
• you point with your lips.
  
• you eat using your hands and have it down to technique.
  
• your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
  
• you collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
  
• you go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
  
• you use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
  
• you scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
  
• you play pusoy and mahjong.
  
• you put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say "Excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of them.
  
• you buy tons of bath towels when they go on sale.
  
• you still wear outdated clothes you have when you first came to the USA.
  
• you say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom"
  
• you say "for take out" instead of "to go."
  
• you "open" or "close" the lights.
  
• you ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
  
• you say Kodakan instead of "take a picture."
  
• you turn around when someone says "pssst."
  
• you say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
  
• you say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
  
• you say "air-con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
  
• you pronounce "F" for "P" or "P" for "F".
  
• you own a karaoke system.
  
• you have 5 pairs of tsinelas on your doorstep.
  
• you refer to your VCR as the "Beytamax"
  
• you have a rice dispenser with a matching rice cooker.
  
• you own a Mercedez and call it "chedeng"
  
• you have "My Shaldan" air freshener in your car.
  
• you were raised to believe that every Filipino has an aunt, uncle, and cousins.
  
• your mom or sister is a nurse.
  
• you consider dilis the Filipino equivalent of french fries.
  
• you dip bread in your morning coffee.
  
• "Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
  
• your baon is usually something over rice.
  
• you eat rice for breakfast.
  
• you wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.
  
• you have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
  
• you have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
  
• you have to have a bottle of Jufran handy.
  
• you know that chocolate meat isn't really made out of chocolate.
  
• you spend Holy Week either performing acts of penitence or vacationing.
  
• you get together with family at a cemetery on All Saints' Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves.
  
• you think the Christmas season begins in September and ends in January.

Ten Things Men and Women Look for in Each Other

Things women say they look for in a man (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (will do everything I say)

2. Sense of humor (will just grin and bear it when I abuse him)

3. Understanding (never asks how I spend his money)

4. Romantic (will take me to expensive restaurants anytime I want)

5. Strong (can take my physical and verbal abuse)

6. Has a good job (can pay for my expensive lifestyle)

7. Comes from a respectable family (comes from a filthy rich, landed family)

8. Supportive (will pay for child and spouse support in case we separate)

9. Smart (but not smart enough to pull one over me)

10. Simple (lives an ascetic lifestyle so he can pay for my needs)


Things men say they look for in a woman (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (big boobs)

2. Sense of humor (big boobs)

3. Understanding (big boobs)

4. Romantic (big boobs)

5. Strong (big boobs)

6. Has a good job (big boobs)

7. Comes from a respectable family (big boobs)

8. Supportive (big boobs)

9. Smart (big boobs)

10. Simple (big boobs)

Pinoy Joke: Anong Gantimpala Gusto Mo?

Isang napakayamang hari ang nagpa-contest. Nagpalagay siya ng tatlong malalaking pating sa kanyang Olympic size swimming pool. Kung sino mang lalaki ang makatawid sa pool ay ibibigay niya ang kahit anong gusto nito. Dumating na nga ang araw na hihinintay ng lahat. Napakaraming kalalakihan ang dumalo. Maaga pa lang ay marami na ang nabigo. Nawawalan na ng pag-asa ang mahal na hari. Malapit na mag-gabi at kaunti na lang ang natitirang kalalakihan. Wala pa ring nakakatawid ng swimming pool. Talagang nabigo na yata ang ating mahal na hari. Sa hindi inaasahan, isang lalaki ang mabilis na lumalangoy sa pool. Si Pedro, ang Kapitan ng Mababang Barangay. Nakita niya ang unang pating na parating sa kanya. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Espinosang upper cut. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Patuloy siya sa paglangoy ng nakita niyang palapit naman sa kanya ang ikalawang pating. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Flash Elordeng left hook. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Mabilis na naman siyang nagpatuloy sa paglangoy ng makita niya ang pangatlo at huling pating sa pool na parating sa kanyang direksiyon. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Holyfield na jabs. Patay na namang lumutang ang pating. Patuloy ulit siyang lumangoy hanggang makarating sa dulo at sabay ahon. Gulat na gulat ang mahal na hari. Lumapit siya kay Pedro upang batiin ito. Subaybayan natin ang kanilang naging usapan:

HARI: Ang galing mo iho! Anong gantimpala ang gusto mo? Pera ba?
PEDRO: (Hingal sa Pagod) Hindi po.
HARI: Siguro gusto mo ng malaking lupain ko?
PEDRO: (Hingal pa rin) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Alam ko na gusto mo ng magagandang mga sasakyan ano?
PEDRO: (Lalong hinihingal) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Palagay ko naman 'yung anak kong magandang Prinsesa ang gusto mo ano?
PEDRO: (Hinihingal pa rin) Lalong hindi po.
HARI: (Galit na) Eh, ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Isa lang po ang gusto ko.
HARI: (Talagang galit na) Ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Gusto ko lang po....gusto ko lang pong malaman kung sino ang tumulak sa
akin sa swimming pool na 'yan?

Condom Packages

A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms.

The son asks, 'Dad, what's the three pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in high school: two for Friday night - one for Saturday night.'

The son asks, 'What's the six pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning.'

Then the son asks, 'What's the 12 pack for?'

'That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March...