I. Ang galing ng Pilipino:
1) A couple placed an ad,”Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter.”
Responses: Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
2) Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children.
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
3) Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
(what does one say when they fart?)
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
II. Married Life
1) May isang tsinoy na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: “HUWAG KA BAYAD
RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”
2) Husband: “Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”
Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”
Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”
Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”
3) Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
4) Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
5) Husband: “Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!”
Wife: “Hay naku, Honey … SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin”
6) Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!”
Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”
Friend: “Surprise? Ano occasion?”
Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”
III. Other Jokes:
1) Health Advisory: “Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints…. men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting !”
2) Little girl: “Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut!”
Mommy: “You mean, it’s small?”
Little girl: “No, it’s SALTY”
3) Question: Who designed the female human body?
Answer: A Civil Engineer. who else would run a toxic waste pipeline thru a recreational area?!
4) Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!
5) Sa hardin ng Paraiso …
Adam: Lord, di ko na kaya ang tukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso sa iyo?
Adam: SUPOT! SUPOT!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Top Ten Rejection Lines
Top Ten Rejection Lines by Women (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
In response...
The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
In response...
The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
19 Ways to Know You're a Woman
1. You are a Bitch.
2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'
6. Whine.
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain.
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'
6. Whine.
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain.
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
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