Think Before You Speak

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen, Who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of
disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw
you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread
his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did He have to leave the set, but half the crew did too
they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we
all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak

Alyssa Alano's Full Version of "Whenever, Wherever"

She is serious here.. that's how she pronounce the lyrics..




Watch the interview...




Related Video:
"Keys Me" By Alyssa Alano

Food for Today

A Teacher in an Elementary school loves to cook and every morning she will ask the students what kind of meat they ate after she let them taste whatever she cooked.

First day, after cooking a chicken, she let the students taste the chicken meat that she cooked and then asked the students a question.

Teacher: Class, what kind meat did you eat today?

Students: Chicken Mam!!. Chicken. All most all of them at the same time.

Next day, the teacher cooked "Beef" then asked the students the following morning what kind of meat they ate.

Teacher: Class, what kind of meat did you ate today?

Students: Beef!!.. Beef Mam (all the same time again).

The 3rd day she cooked a "deer meat" then asked the students the same question.

Teacher: OK class, what kind of meat are you eating today.

Since that is the first time they eat a deer they can't tell what kind of meat they are eating. The Teacher decided to give them a clue. Class, I will give you a clue, this is how your Dad call your mom in the morning. One of the students shouted on top of his voice and told his classmates,

Student: Spit it out!!.. spit it out!!.. IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!... Spit it out!!!....

KEYS ME by Alyssa Alano of Viva Hotbabes

The way she sings, the way she looks, all I could say is... She is a good dancer...




Related Video:
Alyssa Alano's Full Version of "Whenever, Wherever"

The Better Ride

The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God.

God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Four Lessons Every Employee Should Know

LESSON NUMBER ONE:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


LESSON NUMBER TWO:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot him out of the tree.

Lesson:

Bullshit may get you to the top but it won't keep you there.


LESSON NUMBER THREE:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.


LESSON NUMBER FOUR:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and
does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD.

It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little
perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers:

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man
screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only
choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the
disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare
disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

"Stupid Amelican docta, > always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes",

says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

Secrets of Good Relationship

ANNIVERSARIES
Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is
a triumph.

APPRECIATION
Let each other know how much you appreciate each other.
You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.

BEST FRIENDS
Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfriend.
Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one.
Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems.
Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged.
The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.

BOND
Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone w/ each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.

CHANGING EACH OTHER
Don't marry an as...le, j.... or a bi.... (an unsuitable person) You'll never change each other.

COMPLIMENTS
Always compliment each other.
This will prevent feelings of resentment & thinking that one is being taken for granted.

DATE
Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together.
Make time & continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction

DIFFERENCES
Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences, appreciate them.

FIGHTS
Fight w/the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other.
The longer you extend the fight. The more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were w/ your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes & thinks you're hot.
Hear each other out, don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles.
Make sure the fight will be worth it & that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.

FLAWS
Know that the perfect person does not exist.
Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.

FUN
Have fun together! This means keeping the fun & spontaneity that was there in the early days.
Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together, pee w/the door open etc. Being able to make each other laugh & see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle & opposing viewpoints.

GOALS
Make sure you have similar goals.
It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.

GRUDGES
Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.

KEEPING IT HOT
Keep it hot by traveling to diff. places together.
A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.

HONESTY
Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.

KNOW EACH OTHER
Learn each other's interest. It really keeps the conversation flowing!

HUG
A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.

IDENTITY
Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love w/you.
Have separate interest & activities to keep your individual, & to be able to contribute more to the relationship.

INDEPENDENCE
Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.

IN-LAWS
Make rooms for the in-laws.

INTENTIONS
Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst

ISSUES
Speak up about the awkward stuff now,like money & sex. The earlier, the better.

LISTEN
Listen, listen, listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.

LOOK GOOD
Mind your appearance! Stay fit & healthy for each other.

LOVE
It all boils down to your love, chemistry & respect for each other.

MEMORIES
Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before.
It may even be corny but it made you two together.
Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.

MIND READING
No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.

NEEDS
Be good to yourself,then be good to your partner.
That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy?
Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings.
Be very attentive & sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you.
Never take your partner for granted.

PRIORITIES
If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!

SPACE
Give each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out.
If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married.

SORRY
Say sorry when you're wrong.

SURPRISES
No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.

TEAMWORK
Think for two & always work as a team.
Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you.
Strengthen couple power.
In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship in favor of our individual selves.

SUPPORT
Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions,
support your partner in his/her decisions & create new ones together.
Two heads are better than one.

TALK
Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast & its easy to see how easily couple can grow apart.
Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it & have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life, even by email if you have to.

Communication is the main ingredient in successful long relationships.
Share your feelings w/o judgments or criticism, active listening,
then working up to a discussion for problem solving. It takes continuous effort & learning.

It's Dark in Here...

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
Man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Jim's Physical Defect

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But, prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is.....7 pounds, 5 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

First Grader Boy Got Promoted to College

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having
trouble with one of her students the teacher
asked,”Boy, what is your problem?”

Boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the
principal’s office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal
looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms. Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of
my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment “Legs.”

Ms. Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?”

Boy: “Pockets”

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a
T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer…

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort
of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You
tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with
me when you’re bored. The best man always has
me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and
took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not
well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends
in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends
in ‘K’ & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of
it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope
doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they’re married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone
but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping,
& is responsible for making love ?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, “Send this Boy to the University, I got
the last ten questions wrong myself!”

Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Applying for a Job at Walmart

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?" Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT . It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'Tang Ina (SOB) , sir, I had olreydi shit in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

 

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Love making once every 10 days

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceilin
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt
you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,playing video games etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Can I Get Pregnant?

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty."

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, then her classmate Dyoknoy who is standing behind her gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

The true meaning of Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

Very simple really!!!!

Dave's Birthday

Dave works hard at his job, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

15 Ways to Live Longer

1. Don't Oversleep

Here's a reason not to hit the snooze button anymore: Sleeping too much can reduce life expectancy, according to a February 2002 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study found that people who sleep more than eight hours per night had a significantly higher death rate than normal. But late-night-party-goers shouldn't rejoice: researches say that sleeping less than four hours also increases death rates. People who sleep between six and seven hours per night were shown to live the longest.

2. Be Optimistic

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., found that optimistic people had a 50% decreased risk of early death compared with those who leaned more toward pessimism. The results, published in the August 2002 issue of Mayo Clinic Proceedings, make sense: Those with a positive outlook on life are probably less stressed, better equipped to deal with adversity and, consequently, healthier. Optimists also tend to have lower blood pressure than pessimists, which, again, is most likely related to how positive thinkers respond to stress.

3. Have More Sex

No complaints here. There's decent evidence that sex helps keep us healthy, and thus increases longevity. But according to researchers, it's not necessarily an actual biological response generated by sex that makes us live longer. What's more likely is that having intimate sex means you are less stressed, happier and better rested--all factors that can lower blood pressure and protect against stroke and heart disease. A study published in the April 2004 Journal of the American Medical Association found that "high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer."

4. Get a Pet

People who own pets, especially dogs, have been shown to be less stressed and require fewer visits to their physicians than non-owners. Survival rates for heart-attack victims who had a pet have been shown to be 12% longer than for those who did not have one, according to one of the first studies dealing with the impact pets can have on our health, led by researcher Erica Friedmann. Pet owners have also been shown to have lower blood pressure. The reasons are most likely related to an array of psychological factors, such as the facts that owning a pet decreases loneliness and depression, encourages laughter and nurturing, and stimulates exercise.

5. Get a VAP

It's estimated that about half of the people with heart disease--the No. 1 killer in the U.S.--have normal cholesterol levels, which raises serious doubt about the ability of traditional cholesterol tests to detect risk. But more advanced cholesterol tests, like the VAP test, made by the Birmingham, Ala.-based lab Atherotech, may remedy that. VAP measures important metrics that traditional tests miss. Regular tests only detect half of the people with heart disease, while the VAP has been shown to detect 90% of heart disease patients. That's important because lipid abnormalities can most often be rectified with medication and dietary changes. And the sooner you start making changes, the better.

6. Be Rich

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 24% of Americans whose family income is less than $20,000 are "limited" by chronic disease, whereas only 6% of people with an income of $75,000 or more have this problem. In general, population groups that suffer the worst health have the highest poverty rates and the least education. One possible explanation: Higher incomes permit access to better food and housing, safer neighborhoods and increased medical care. Higher incomes also increase the opportunity to engage in health-promoting behaviors. Of course, being a chief executive certainly exposes you to a high level of stress that can decrease life expectancy. But according to the data, striving to be financially comfortable is a good goal for aspiring centenarians.

7. Stop Smoking

To say that smoking is bad for your health is, of course, not revelatory. But it still cannot be denied that quitting can significantly improve your prospects for a long life. Middle-aged men who are long-term, heavy smokers face twice the risk of developing more aggressive forms of prostate cancer than men who have never smoked, according to findings that appeared in the July 2003 issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers and Prevention. According to a recent study in the Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics, cigarette smoking has been clearly linked to the most common causes of death in the elderly.

8. Chill Out

A study led by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in 2002 found that men classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease than men who reported lower anger responses. They were also over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55. One possible explanation is the correlation between anger and high blood pressure, a condition that commonly develops in highly stressed individuals. The lesson is simple: Try as much as you can to let unavoidable, everyday stresses roll off your shoulders.

9. Eat Your Antioxidants

Antioxidants, substances that are found in foods ranging from cinnamon to blueberries, can scavenge free radicals, compounds whose unstable chemical nature accelerates the effect of aging on our cells. Until these excess free radicals are quenched by antioxidant molecules, cellular damage accumulates. This contributes to an array of degenerative diseases, including atherosclerosis, Alzheimer's and cancer. Research shows that certain types of beans (kidney, pinto, black) are among the best sources of antioxidants, while blueberries and other berries follow close behind.

10. Marry Well

While the phrase "marry well" is typically used to describe people who marry someone rich, we are talking about something entirely different: genetics. Apparently, longevity genes can be inherited. According to a February 2005 study in Mechanisms of Aging and Development, exceptional longevity and healthy aging is an inherited phenotype across three generations. So, for the single people out there, pick a spouse whose grandparents are still alive. This won't make you live longer, but it might help your children.

11. Exercise

Get up and start moving. Not only does exercise help us maintain our weight, it improves our cardiovascular health, strengthens the bones and increases endorphins in the body--hormones that give us energy, make us happier and help ward off stress and disease. "If you don't use it, you lose it," says Dr. Merl Myerson, director of cardiovascular prevention at St. Luke's/Roosevelt Hospital in Manhattan. "We find that active people will do better, live longer."

12. Laugh a Little

Laughter reduces levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. It also releases endorphins that work as pain killers and gives your blood circulation a boost. Not to mention it relaxes blood vessels and keeps a person from being angry--a significant predictor of heart disease. "The higher you score on anger and hostility, the greater the likely hood you'll have a heart attack," says Dr. David Fein, medical director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.

13. Lose Weight

For people who are overweight or obese, life is a ticking time bomb. They have increased risk of heart disease and several types of cancer, along with higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes--a condition that is becoming an epidemic in the U.S. "The real way to lose weight is to cut back on food intake," says Dr. David Fein, Medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey. "People are under the impression that they can exercise weight off, but exercise is a means to maintain weight.

14. Manage Stress

Everyone has stress to a certain degree, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The key is to recognize what the big factors are in your life and how to mitigate them. Constant stress produces high levels of cortisol, which has been shown to impair cognitive functioning and weaken the immune system. "I think stress kills more people than just about anything else," says Dr. David Fein, medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.

15. Meditate

According to Dr. Woodson Merrell of Beth Israel Hospital in New York City, the most powerful healing tool for stress and prolonged life is meditation. It clears the mind of thought and lets a person concentrate on tranquility. Fifteen minutes of meditation has been shown to produce a much more relaxed state of mind than one hour of the deepest sleep. Even starting the day with just two minutes of meditation can be beneficial. Sit with your spine erect and try to quiet your thoughts; it may help to concentrate on one word.

More Health Links...

Scary Story: The Mystery of the Book

My friend lives in Taal (small town in Batangas) where trees and highland areas mostly surround it. One evening he went to town (Batangas City) for a movie with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting very late. He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark and creepy that night.

As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking street peddler selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when he noticed this pale old person staring at him. The old person said, "Son, why do not you get a book ... it will keep you company".

My friend acted brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection ... his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?"

The old person replied, "Well son ... that ' s an interesting book...its PhP 500."

My friend was shocked and said "But ... but .... that ' s so expensive... "The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He quickly rummaged through his pockets and found PhP 450. "T-t-this ' sall I have " he said. The old guy replied, "It ' s okay, son.... you can have the book for that price. " As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the old man called out to him and said, " Son ....whatever happens, don ' t you ever flip the book to it ' s last page ... remember these words ...or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, " Dad ... mom...are there any new booksellers nearby?"

"Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a creepy old man that appears only at night during a full moon and then disappears just as mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he comes from but many have become victims in his wake... why son?"

"N-nothing ... just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his room. Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep.

At midnight, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages of the book to its last page!!!!! For a while, he laid in bed - frozen in
fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on the last page.

Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book. As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and fainted ... This is what he read on the last page:
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Retail Price: PhP 50.00

Husbands for Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor! sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth!

Pinoy Jokes: Sari-sari

pinoy's weakest link...

Host: What "N"(narra) is the Nat'l tree of the Phils?
Contestant: niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice)
NIYOG!!!
********************
Host: Saang "B" (bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: sa Back?
Host: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (luneta)
Contestant: Likod?
Host: hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng Modern name
niya (Rizal park)
Contestant: Rear Part? (susme!likod pa rin yun!!)
*****************
Host: Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hinde, pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini.
Contestant: BEERHOUSE!
****************
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw
ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Si MR. CLEAN!
***************
Host: Anong "S" (salbabida) ang ginagamit na Floatation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hinde! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito Lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?


intsik and taxi driver...

Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati?"
Taxi Driver: " Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
Intsik: "Bakit, di ikaw sama?"

Secret...

Girl: Love, what's your valentines gift to me?
Boy: SECRET!
Girl: How sweet naman, you want it to be a surprise.
Boy: Gaga! Secret, para sa kilikili mo!

Mahal mo ko...?

Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife! : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Kano at tindera

Sa airport canteen..umorder and isang amerkano.

Kano: Miss, will you give me one few two.

Tindera: What, Sir?

Kano: I said one few two.

Tindera: Ah, puto!

Kano: Yeah, thats right!

(Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tanga! puto lang, pino-few two few two pa! Gagantihan ko siya.)

Tindera: Okay, Sir What do you like? few la? or few ti?

lagyan ng "S"

Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !

Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano ba ang ulam ?

Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

~~~~~

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

~~~~~

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

~~~~~

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

~~~~~

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

~~~~~

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

~~~~~

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

~~~~~

Mathematical Formula to Explain Women

This is the mathematical formula to explain women:

Pinoy Jokes: Scientific Evidence

Isang pogi at milyonaryong Americano ang nag decide na manirahan at mag-asawa sa Pilipinas. Nais niyang makapagasawa ng Pilipina na may puting bulbol kayat nagpa advetised siya sa newspaper. Pakakasalan niya ang sino man na pilipina na may puting bulbol. Dahil mayaman at pogi maraming Pilipina nag hangad na maging asawa ang Americano ngunit wala sa kanila ang hinahanap ng Americano. Isang araw naisip ni Maria na kulayan ng puti ang kanyang bulbol at ipinakita ito sa poging Americano. Dahil dito ay pinakasalan siya ng poging Americano. Araw araw ay kinukulayan ni Maria ang kanyang bulbol para huwag siyang mabisto ng kanyang asawa. Ngunit ang inaasahan ay naganap, isang araw nalimutan niyang kulayan ang kanyang bulbol. Kayat ng gabing makita ito ng asawang Americano, ang Americano ay nagalit at idinimanda si Maria.

Nang nasa loob na sila ng korte, unang nagsalita ang abogado ng Americano. Ang Abogado ng Americano ay inabot ng 15 minutos bago natapos ang kanyang paliwanag. Habang nagsasalita ang abogado ng Americano ang abogado naman ni Maria ay nakaupo at may hawak na isang itlog na ipinupukpok-pukpok sa kanyang noo.

Abugado ng Americano: Ngayon mahal na hukom, nais ko namang marinig ang paliwanag ng panig ng nasasakdal na si Maria Dela Cruz.

Abugado ni Maria: Kagalang galang na Hukom, hindi naman sa pinapanigan ko ang aking cliente na si Maria dela Cruz, Ngunit! tingnan nyo po ang itlog na ito na ipinopukpok-pukpok ko sa aking noo sa loob ng labing limang minutos.
Habang ang Abugado ng nagsasakdal ay nagsasalita, Nangitim ang aking noo. Iyan pa kayang dalawang itlog ang pupukpok-pukpok sa bulbol ni Maria sa loob ng limang taon, bakit hindi mangingitim iyan!

Hukom: Case dismissed!!....

100 Things Men Should Know About Women

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.

13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28

12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.

11. She likes one of your friends.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

Pinoy Jokes: Walang Ari!

Putol ang titi ng Boyfriend ng Princesa ngunit nagkamali ng pagkakaintindi ang princesa. Sa tuwing sasabihin niya sa Princesa na wala siyang ari ang akala ng Princesa ay mahirap laang siya. Ipinilit ng Princesa na magpakasal sila kahit wala siyang ari.
Nang unang gabi ng kasal nila ay natuklasan ng Princesa na wala palang Titi ang Boyfriend niya at ito ang pilit na ipinaliliwanag ng kanyang Boyfriend bago sila ikasal. Dahil dito, nagalit ang Princesa at pinalayas ang boyfriend na walang ari. Pumunta sa kuwadra ng mga kabayo at kinuha ang pinakamaliit at payat na payat na kabayo at ibinigay sa Boyfriend niya.

Princesa: Sige dalhin mo ang kabayo na ito at ikaw ay pumunta sa bundok at huwag na huwag ka nang bababalik dito.

Habang nasa bundok ang boyfriend ng princesa at nakasakay sa payat na kabayo ay may nakakita sa kaniya na isang Ermitanyo. Naawa sa kaniya ang Ermitanyo matapos niyang maikuwento ang dahilan kung bakit siya pinalayas ng Princesa.

Ermitanyo: Huwag ka amang magalala at magagawan ko ng paraan ang problema mo. (Pagkatapos ay pinutol ang ari ng kabayo at ikinabit sa Boyfriend ng princesa).

Boyfriend: (Matapos makabit ang titi ng kabayo ay susumigaw sa tuwa na bumalik sa Princesa)
Mahal kong Prncesa!!.. Mahal kong Princesa, mayroon na akong ari.

Princesa: Ha!!. Paanong nangyari yon?

Boyfriend: May nakita akong mabait Ermitanyo sa bundok at pinutol niya ang titi ng kabayo na
ibinigay mo sa aking at siya niyang ikinabit sa akin.

Princesa: Oh no!!.. Napakalaking pagkakamali ang nagawa ko (Sabay ng malakas na pagiyak).
Hindi!!.. Sayang, napakalking pagkakamali!. (iyak ulit ang Princesa).

Boyriend: (Naguguluhan) Bakit, ano ang nangyari?

Princesa: Kasi (Iyak ulit) hindi pa iyong PINAKAMALAKING KABAYO ang naipadala ko sa iyo.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. " The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -- The Dilbert Principle

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Pinoy SMS: Friendly Text Messages

My mom always told me that we could never measure our wealth by money but by our friends. She would surely be glad to meet you and know how rich I turned out to be!

I'm glad friendship doesn't come with price tags. For if it does, I'd never afford someone as great as you.

God in heaven, God above, please protect the friend I love. Sent with a smile, sealed with a kiss, I love my friend who's reading this.

The nicest place these days is right beside your friends. Usog konti, tabi ako!

You brighten my day, di ka naman araw. You light up my life, di ka naman ilaw. You make me smile, di ka naman bulalakaw. You warm my heart, di ka naman sabaw. Friend kita, yan malinaw!

A friend is sweet when it is new. And it is sweeter when it is true. But you know what? It is sweetest when it is you.

A coin is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. The coin depreciates but a friend appreciates. I lost a coin when I texted you, but it's okay because I got you.

A smile makes us look younger… while prayers make us feel stronger… and friends…? They make us enjoy life forever.

Each day God sends His angels to guide us. We don't expect to see them with wings, or with halo flying above their heads. Instead, they come in disguise and we call them friends. Thank you for being an angel to me!

A friend is like a book that has to be read to appreciate its beauty. As such, you're one of the finest books ever written. How I wish you could be reprinted!

What are the differences between a peso and a friend? A peso is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A peso loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a peso but I have you!

God sprinkles tiny but wonderful seeds of blessings on earth each day...and I just caught one that's so nice and true...It's you!

A single candle can illuminate an entire room. A true friend lights up an entire lifetime. Thanks for the bright lights of your friendship.

Friendship is a gift that is fair in all things. It roots from one's heart and involves memories that stay not for a while but for a lifetime.

If you open my heart, guess what you are gonna see? It's you. True friends are hard to find so I kept you.

Care is the main ingredient that keeps true friendships alive despite separation, distance and time. Care sustains love. Since I can't see you, let my care be with you, friend!

What is a friend? She looks out for you, inspires you, laughs with you, cries with you, understands you, guides you and walks with you. That's what a friend is…you.

I have a pen which is blue, I have a friend which is you. Flowers will die, waters will dry, but our friendship will never say goodbye.

How long shall we be friends? Do you want a clue? As long as stars twinkle in the sky, till the water runs dry and till the day I die. We will be friends.

I might run out of cute graphics to send you, but I'll never run out of this: care for you.

A friend is a push when you have stopped, a chat when you are lonely, a guide when you are searching, a smile when you are sad, a song when you are glad.

Colors may fade, the sun may not shine, the moon may not be bright, heartbeats may stop, lives may pass but our friendship, I'll treasure 'till the day my heart stops.

When you're down, I'll be there to cheer you up. When you're tired, I'll be there to lift you up. I'll be your friend no matter what!

Friends are like mangga... you'll never know which is sweet and which is not. Well I'm lucky coz I was able to find the sweetest mangga in you!

If you want to be happy for a day, get a date. Happy for a week, get a lover. Happy till the end, keep me.

I don't regret the things I have done and the things I didn't do. For somewhere along the way I must have done something right coz I ended up with a friend like you.

I may have forgotten to say that I care. I may have failed to open up and share, but though no words have been spoken, my promise of friendship won't be broken.

Time and distance are important between friends. When a friend is in your heart, they remain there forever. I may be busy, but I assure you, you are always in my heart!

I was never tired of this life and it's not gonna matter if I fall down twice, coz I know each time I fall, you won't let me hit the ground. Thanks for being around.

Friends are gifts wrapped in ribbons of thoughtfulness and trimmed with kisses and smiles, given by God to stay not just for a day, but for life. Thanks!

Fifty years from now, I'd be so old I might forget you. I might not remember ever knowing you, or might forget I once cared for you. I might… but I won't.

Do you ever recall the first day we met? Our first hello? The day we became friends? Well, I do and I will always remember. For that very day, I knew I'd cherish you.

Some friends are remembered because of their smile. Some friends are remembered because of their style. But you are remembered because you are so nice to remember. Take care.

Someday you may lose your hair, your teeth, your looks, or even your memory. But there's something you won't lose. Me, coz I'll always be your friend.

I won't promise to be your friend forever, coz I won't live that long. But let me be your friend as long as I live.

I thank God I'm rich not with money but with people like you. I may not have the most expensive things but I've got a most precious gem… a friend like you.

I admit I'll never be the perfect friend. I'll never be there always. I may not make you smile at times but there is one thing I admit I could do. To be the person I could be for you.

Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

I thank the Lord for the gift of friendship where I can be myself and be accepted as I am and for finding a home in the heart of a friend.

Keep me as a friend and I will keep you in my heart and lock it up. I'll throw away the key so that no one can take you away from me.

Some joys are better explained in silence, as a smile gets more audible than laughter. I was asked if I enjoyed my friendship with you. I just smiled.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Thank you for touching my life in ways you may never know. My riches do not lie in material wealth but in having friends like you - a precious gift from God!

I always thought loving someone is the greatest feeling, but I realized that loving a friend is even better. We lose people we love, but we never lose true friends.

If one day you feel like crying, call me. I can't promise to make you laugh, but I'm willing to cry with you.

A man should keep his friends in a constant repair. The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

Some friends are separated by time. Some are separated by differences. Some by distances, some by pride. But no matter how far you are or different we may be, you'll always be a friend to me!

There is a golden bridge called friendship that spans the river of time and links out hearts together even if we walks separate roads of life.

If friends were flowers surely I would not pick you! I'd let you grow in the garden and cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you forever.

One tree can start a forest, one smile can start a friendship. One touch can show you care, one friend can make life worth living for.

In my dreams, we were never apart. In my dreams you kept me close. In my dreams you loved me the most. In my dreams we're always together. Might as well be dreaming forever.

Gusto ko na benta cell phone ko... lam mo ba? Gusto ko hagis, durugin at tadyakan ang cell phone ko... lam mo ba? Gusto ko na panakaw to... lam mo ba? Maloloka na ko sa pag-iintay ng text mo... lam mo ba?

Pinoy SMS: Love Messages

There are 12 months a year...30 days a month...7 days a week...24 hours a day...60 minutes an hour...but only one like you in a lifetime.

There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

Great minds contain ideas, solutions and reasons; scientific minds contain formulas, theories and figures; my mind contains only you!

Love can be expressed in many ways. One way I know is to send it across the distance to the person who is reading this.

If I could change the alphabet, I would put U and I together!

Minsan caring is better than loving. Minsan tea is better than coffee. Minsan smile is better than laughter. Pero nobody is better than you.

There is night so we can appreciate day, sorrow so we can appreciate joy, evil so we can appreciate good, you so I can appreciate love.

You look great today. How did I know? Because you look great everyday.

What is love? Those who don't like it call it responsibility. Those who play with it call it a game. Those who don't have it call it a dream. Those who understand it call it destiny. And me, I call it you.

What is love? It is what makes your cell phone ring every time I send text messages.

If love can be avoided by simply closing our eyes, then I wouldn't blink at all for I don't want to let a second pass having fallen out of love with you.

I used to think that dreams do not come true, but this quickly changed the moment I laid my eyes on you.

Press down if you miss me. Talaga? Sweet mo naman. You really miss me huh? Still pressing down. Impressed na ako, ha? Sobrang miss na yan. Well, I miss you too.

Some people were born with talents. They can do beautiful things with their skills, knowledge and technology. But no one is as talented as you. You just come near, and there is already beauty.

A lady is a woman who makes a man behave like a gentleman. You're such a lady to me.

To forget you is hard to do and to forget me is up to you. Forget me not, forget me never. Forget this text, but not the sender.

When situation gets you down, remember there's Someone in Heaven who loves you and watches over you and there's someone on Earth who cares… I do.

Cell phones can be irritating sometimes. You always have to reload, recharge every now and then. Messages are delayed. But there's one thing I love about it. It connects me to you!

Words begin with ABC. Numbers begin with 123. Music begins with do, re, mi. And friendship begins with you and me!

Rain and sunshine do not always come together. Night and day never coincide. But you and I, whatever they say, is for me the perfect match.
When I dream, I dream of you...maybe one day, dreams will come true.

There is an ocean between us. Forests and mountains keep us apart. I may not be superman, but give me a second and I will fly across countries to send you my love. Have you received it?

If, out of time, I could pick one moment and keep it shining, always new, of all the days that I have lived, I'd pick the moment I met you.

I'm on a mission to get over you, in other words mission impossible.

I wish I'd be a tear in your eye to roll down your cheek and end up with your lips but I never wish you'd be a tear in my eye for I would lose you every time I cry.

When it rains, you don't see the sun, but it's there. Hope we can be like that. We don't always see each other, but we will always be there for one another.

I may run out of message to text you. I may run out of jokes too. I may also run out of battery or even a peso but my heart won't run out of space for you!

You'll know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick "Hello" from that person can bring the broken pieces back.

Love. All my life I have read about it, dreamt of it, waited for it, cried for it, needed it. Now with you, I have found it.

Sherlock Holmes was an idiot and Robert Watt was a fool. One was a detective, the other invented radar. But neither of them ever discovered you. I'm a genius!

When the time comes I can't smile anymore, don't worry about me, I know what to do. I'll just stare at one corner and think of you. No one else could make me happy like the way you do.

There's a love that only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can only be seen in your eyes, and a life of mine that you alone can complete.

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.

Ah-- I forgot your name. Can I call you mine? And, in case you forget my name too, call me yours!

If I had the letters "HRT", I can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" and get "HURT". But I'd rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U".

You may never see how much I care for you. You may never hear how much I treasure you. You may never feel how much I miss you. Coz only here in my heart can you see them true.

There are 4 steps to happiness: 1. you, 2. me, 3. our hearts, 4. together!

If kisses were water, I'd give you the ocean. If hugs were leaves, I'd give you a forest. If love were space, I'd give you a galaxy. If friendship were life, I'd give you mine for free.

It's hard to say hello because it might be goodbye. It's hard to say I'm okay because sometimes I'm not. But it's easy to say I miss you coz I know that I really do.

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds. But when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call you and I.

If you're feeling lonely and you think there is nobody there to love, support, listen or show they care, just save this message and every time you realize it, it will remind you that a part of me is always there with you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I am waiting to hear from a cute guy like you.

They say that as long as there is one person loving you, life isn't a waste. So if you lose hope and thought that life is not worth living, just remember I'm here.

Do you know that men and women are angels created with only one wing? And they need to embrace each other to be able to fly... Hope you can find your angel whom you can fly with forever.

They told me I could do anything if I put my mind into it. Yet no matter how hard I try in all that I do, I just can't take my mind off you.

My biggest reward is to see you smile, know you are happy, and feel you are loved. I know life is sometimes cruel, but that's why I'm here, to show you that life can be good when somebody cares.

I always think of you, but I always fail to know the reason why. Is there something else I should know about you? But there is one thing that I know is true. That life will always be sad without you.

Hatred infects the mind; love dissolves it. You dissolve my mind.

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it cause I might do something crazy like believe it.

I'm afraid to close my eyes coz I might think of you. I'm afraid to open them coz I might see you. I'm afraid to move my lips coz I might speak of you. I'm afraid to listen coz I might hear my heart fall for you.

I'm sorry to be smiling every time you're near. I'm sorry my eyes twinkle whenever you're here. I'm sorry that cupid has made his hit. I'm sorry I love you, I can't help it.

Caring for someone is easy but making someone care for you is hard. Now I keep wondering how did you make it so easy for me to care for you.

Text me when you are sad, text me when you need someone to listen to and you can't find anyone who will. I don't care if I'm your last option, I just don't want you to cry alone.

I don't want to say I miss you, though deep inside I do, coz I'm afraid you might see thru and know how much fear I have of losing someone like you.

If love can be avoided simply by closing our eyes, I wouldn't blink at all for I don't want to let a second pass having fallen out of love with you.

I wish one day you will miss me terribly that no matter how hard you look for me, you won't find me. Why? Because, I want you to miss me the way I'm missing you right now.

If I could be any letter in the alphabet, I'd choose "V" so I can be next to "U"; if you could be any note, I wish you're "RE" so your always beside "ME"!

Whatever you do, I'll walk with you. Hoping that your every dream would come true. Anytime, anywhere, I'll always be there. Wishing you love and happiness because I care.

The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person's fingers could fill them in. Hope you'll find your dream hand to hold you forever.

Every part of me wants you, maybe because I was made just for you!

When you love someone, draw a circle around their name instead of a heart coz hearts can be broken but circles never end.

Nobody tells fish to swim, birds to fly, cows to moo, dogs to bark - they just do. Just like nobody tells me to remember you. I just do!

If you were a wound inside my heart, I'd rather leave it there with all the pain locked inside than leave it without a trace of you.

Whenever you feel blue, I will be there for you. Whenever you are sad, I will stay by your side. Whenever you need someone to love, I will always be there for you to have.

They can recycle paper till it's as good as new, reproduce cans and jars and old bottles too, but they can never recycle another person as wonderful as you.

I hate when you smile at me because you make me crazy about you. I hate when you talk to me because you make me run out of words. I hate you when I see you because you make me love you more.

What good is beauty without brains, looks without charm, money without happiness, a smile without feelings, a life without you?

To be disturbed by the beep of your phone only means that somehow, somewhere, somebody is thinking of you and at this very moment, that's me. Take care always.

A person you love is an extension of yourself. Without it, you're not complete so better take care of yourself because I don't want to lose a part of me.

I wish my eyes could speak what my heart feels for you, coz my lips can lie on what is true. My eyes couldn't coz even if I close them I could still see you.

Every time I hear my text tone, I always hope one of them is from you. My cell phone may have limited memory space but my heart has unlimited space for someone like you.

I have you! If you hate me, shoot me with an arrow, but please not on the heart coz that's were you are!

Someone asked what makes people happy. Some said wealth and some said fame. I was thinking about this when my cell phone beeped and received a text from you. Then, I smiled and said: "This makes me happy."

You're like a target that I always try to aim at. How I wish I could aim you at the heart. But every time I fail, I feel so sad. You know why? It's because I always end up missing you.

It was a simple crush, done and over with, then you looked at me.

Love is something special, a treasure I want to find... To others, love is blind but for me, its not true, coz when I fell in love...I saw you.

I'll lend you my shoulder for you to cry on, my ears to listen to, my hand for you to hold, my feet to walk with you, but I can't lend you my heart coz it already belongs to you.

Why do birds fall from the sky every time you walk by? Maybe because like me they want to be near you!

If I get takot, would you hawak me tight? If I gawa something mali, would you make it right? If I build an apoy, would you bantay the flame? If I sabi I miss u, would you ramdam the same?

Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded text mate, in sickness or in health, through metering or not, till low bat do us part?

Someone once asked me, "Have you ever fallen in love?" Then I answered, "Of course, once." Then they asked me another question: "Did it hurt?" I thought of you and told them "Yes, very much".

You must be a thief coz you stole my heart. You must be tired coz you're always running through my mind. And maybe I'm a bad shooter coz I keep missing you.

I asked God for a rose and He gave me a garden. I asked God for a drop of water and He gave me an ocean. I asked God for an angel and He gave me you!

I have heard from the phone company, the water company, the electric company, but haven't heard from you. Too bad, it's your company I love the most.

If someone would ask me what a beautiful life means, I would lean my head on your shoulder and hold you close to me and answer with a smile: "Like this!"

If only one star would fall every time I miss you, then all the stars in heaven would be gone. Don't wonder if there are no stars tonight! It's your fault coz you made me miss you a lot.

Life may sometimes be a rough road to walk on where everything seems wrong. But don't give up. Just go on coz when you think you're all alone, look back and you'll find me walking along.

They say as long as at least one person cares for you, life isn't a waste. So when things go terribly wrong, and you feel like giving up, please remember you still got me.

True love is hard to find, special one, one of a kind. I know because it appeared to me on a strange day I met you.

I've been wondering why you're not texting... Multiple Choice: a. busy b. dedma c. tired d. thrifty e. want me to miss you.

While you gave her flowers, you gave me thorns. While all she did was smile, all I did is mourn. While she was so happy, I felt so blue. Because while you loved her, I was loving you.

An angel asked me a reason why I care for you so much. I told her I care for you so much coz there's no reason not to.

First time I saw you, I was scared to touch you. First time I touched you, I was scared to kiss you. First time I kissed you, I was scared to love you. But now that I love you, I'm scared to lose you!

If love is a disease then I'm very ill. But I would not want medicine and won't take any pill. I would instead suffer this illness and be bedridden with joy of knowing you.

I will walk with you side by side for only one condition: hide your wings every time we walk together because the whole world might know that you're my angel!

Each of us is an angel with one wing. The only way we could fly is to hold each other and share wings. So if you have trouble flying, I will always share mine with you.

I used to think that the world is so unfair, that it gave me so many reasons to hate it. But now, how can I hate such a wonderful world that gave me you?

Can I say I love you today? If not, can I ask you again tomorrow? And the day after tomorrow? And the day after that? Coz I'll be loving you every single day of my life.

A day may start or end without a message from me, but believe me it won't start or end without me thinking of you..See! I just did. Take care.

You greeted me hi, I didn't reply. You gave me a sweet smile, I responded with a sigh. You showed me your love, you received a shrug. But when you bid goodbye I began to cry.