How to tell if you're a real Pinoy

• you're related to everyone.
  
• your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy"
  
• you have uncles and aunts names Boy, Girlie, or Baby.
  
• you have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables, such as Jun-Jun, Ling-Ling, Mon-Mon.
  
• you call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito and "Tita."
  
• All of your children have 4 or 5 names.
  
• you greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
  
• you always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave a room.
  
• your grandmother greets you by giving you "smelling kisses."
  
• you live with your parents until - and at times even after you're married.
  
• you can't build or buy a house unless you first consult a feng shui expert.
  
• your house has a distinctive smell.
  
• you decorate your living room wall with your family's framed diplomas and certificates.
  
• you decorate your dining room wall with a giant wooden spoon and fork and a picture of the Last Supper.
  
• you keep your furniture wrapped in plastic.
  
• most of your home decor is made out of wicker.
  
• your house has a "dirty" kitchen and a "clean" kitchen.
  
• your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
  
• you recycle plastic shopping bags as garbage bags.
  
• you own "Footsteps in the Sand" poster.
  
• you have a piano that no one plays.
  
• you keep a tabo in your bathroom.
  
• you own a "barrel man."
  
• you use a stone to scrub yourself in the shower.
  
• you use Vicks Vapor Rub as an insect repellant.
  
• your meal isn't complete without rice.
  
• you use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
  
• you can't eat a meal without a spoon and fork.
  
• you feel insulted if your visitors don't eat what you offer them.
  
• you always cook 3 times more than what your visitors can consume, when there's a party.
  
• your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
  
• you can't enjoy a meal without patis or bagoong.
  
• you eat fried Spam and hotdogs with rice.
  
• you eat mangoes with rice - with great gusto.
  
• you enjoy chocolate rice pudding and dried salted fish for breakfast.
  
• you have a rosary or "fake bananas" hanging from your rear view mirror.
  
• you tail an ambulance or cop just to beat the traffic.
  
• your car horn can either laugh, bark, or moo.
  
• your car plays a song when it backs up.
  
• you can squeeze 15 passengers into your Honda Civic without a second thought.
  
• you think traffic regulations are recommendations, not rules.
  
• you think that traffic signs apply to everybody except yourself.
  
• you point with your lips.
  
• you eat using your hands and have it down to technique.
  
• your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
  
• you collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
  
• you go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
  
• you use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
  
• you scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
  
• you play pusoy and mahjong.
  
• you put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say "Excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of them.
  
• you buy tons of bath towels when they go on sale.
  
• you still wear outdated clothes you have when you first came to the USA.
  
• you say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom"
  
• you say "for take out" instead of "to go."
  
• you "open" or "close" the lights.
  
• you ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
  
• you say Kodakan instead of "take a picture."
  
• you turn around when someone says "pssst."
  
• you say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
  
• you say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
  
• you say "air-con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
  
• you pronounce "F" for "P" or "P" for "F".
  
• you own a karaoke system.
  
• you have 5 pairs of tsinelas on your doorstep.
  
• you refer to your VCR as the "Beytamax"
  
• you have a rice dispenser with a matching rice cooker.
  
• you own a Mercedez and call it "chedeng"
  
• you have "My Shaldan" air freshener in your car.
  
• you were raised to believe that every Filipino has an aunt, uncle, and cousins.
  
• your mom or sister is a nurse.
  
• you consider dilis the Filipino equivalent of french fries.
  
• you dip bread in your morning coffee.
  
• "Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
  
• your baon is usually something over rice.
  
• you eat rice for breakfast.
  
• you wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.
  
• you have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
  
• you have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
  
• you have to have a bottle of Jufran handy.
  
• you know that chocolate meat isn't really made out of chocolate.
  
• you spend Holy Week either performing acts of penitence or vacationing.
  
• you get together with family at a cemetery on All Saints' Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves.
  
• you think the Christmas season begins in September and ends in January.

Ten Things Men and Women Look for in Each Other

Things women say they look for in a man (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (will do everything I say)

2. Sense of humor (will just grin and bear it when I abuse him)

3. Understanding (never asks how I spend his money)

4. Romantic (will take me to expensive restaurants anytime I want)

5. Strong (can take my physical and verbal abuse)

6. Has a good job (can pay for my expensive lifestyle)

7. Comes from a respectable family (comes from a filthy rich, landed family)

8. Supportive (will pay for child and spouse support in case we separate)

9. Smart (but not smart enough to pull one over me)

10. Simple (lives an ascetic lifestyle so he can pay for my needs)


Things men say they look for in a woman (and what they really mean...)

1. Responsible (big boobs)

2. Sense of humor (big boobs)

3. Understanding (big boobs)

4. Romantic (big boobs)

5. Strong (big boobs)

6. Has a good job (big boobs)

7. Comes from a respectable family (big boobs)

8. Supportive (big boobs)

9. Smart (big boobs)

10. Simple (big boobs)

Pinoy Joke: Anong Gantimpala Gusto Mo?

Isang napakayamang hari ang nagpa-contest. Nagpalagay siya ng tatlong malalaking pating sa kanyang Olympic size swimming pool. Kung sino mang lalaki ang makatawid sa pool ay ibibigay niya ang kahit anong gusto nito. Dumating na nga ang araw na hihinintay ng lahat. Napakaraming kalalakihan ang dumalo. Maaga pa lang ay marami na ang nabigo. Nawawalan na ng pag-asa ang mahal na hari. Malapit na mag-gabi at kaunti na lang ang natitirang kalalakihan. Wala pa ring nakakatawid ng swimming pool. Talagang nabigo na yata ang ating mahal na hari. Sa hindi inaasahan, isang lalaki ang mabilis na lumalangoy sa pool. Si Pedro, ang Kapitan ng Mababang Barangay. Nakita niya ang unang pating na parating sa kanya. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Espinosang upper cut. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Patuloy siya sa paglangoy ng nakita niyang palapit naman sa kanya ang ikalawang pating. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Flash Elordeng left hook. Patay na lumutang ang pating. Mabilis na naman siyang nagpatuloy sa paglangoy ng makita niya ang pangatlo at huling pating sa pool na parating sa kanyang direksiyon. Binigyan niya ito ng isang mala-Holyfield na jabs. Patay na namang lumutang ang pating. Patuloy ulit siyang lumangoy hanggang makarating sa dulo at sabay ahon. Gulat na gulat ang mahal na hari. Lumapit siya kay Pedro upang batiin ito. Subaybayan natin ang kanilang naging usapan:

HARI: Ang galing mo iho! Anong gantimpala ang gusto mo? Pera ba?
PEDRO: (Hingal sa Pagod) Hindi po.
HARI: Siguro gusto mo ng malaking lupain ko?
PEDRO: (Hingal pa rin) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Alam ko na gusto mo ng magagandang mga sasakyan ano?
PEDRO: (Lalong hinihingal) Hindi rin....po.
HARI: Palagay ko naman 'yung anak kong magandang Prinsesa ang gusto mo ano?
PEDRO: (Hinihingal pa rin) Lalong hindi po.
HARI: (Galit na) Eh, ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Isa lang po ang gusto ko.
HARI: (Talagang galit na) Ano nga ang gusto mo?
PEDRO: Gusto ko lang po....gusto ko lang pong malaman kung sino ang tumulak sa
akin sa swimming pool na 'yan?

Condom Packages

A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms.

The son asks, 'Dad, what's the three pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in high school: two for Friday night - one for Saturday night.'

The son asks, 'What's the six pack for?'

Father replies, 'That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning.'

Then the son asks, 'What's the 12 pack for?'

'That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March...

How to stay young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

What kind of man are you looking for?

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, do you really want to know? Reluctantly, he said Yes. She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter.I am in the position to ask, What can you bring to the table? The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, I am not referring to money.

I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation.
I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made wo man to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,You are asking a lot. She replied, I'm worth a lot.

Send this to every woman who's worth a lot.

Who's your daddy?

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?"

She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."

The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."

The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."

The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."

The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."

The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."

Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out.

The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."

A Carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee

This was too good of a life lesson not to pass on!


A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will
never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about
her life and how things were so hard for her. She did
not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.


She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.


Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three
pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon
the pots came to boil. In the first she placed
carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the
last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit
and boil, without saying a word.


In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a
bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do
you see?"


"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.


Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.
She did and noted that they were soft. The mother
then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard
boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to
sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its
rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it
mean, mother?"


Her mother explained that each of these objects had
faced the same adversity ... boiling water Each
reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard,
and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to
the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The
egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had
protected its liquid interior, but after sitting
through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After
they were in the boiling water, they had changed the
water.


"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When
adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems
strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and
become soft and lose my strength?


Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with he
heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a
breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial,
have I become hardened and stiff? Does my
shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually
changes the hot water, the very circumstance that
brings the pain When the water gets hot, it releases
the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,
when things are at their worst, you get better and
change the situation around you. When the hour is the
darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate
yourself to another level? How do you handle
adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the
best of everything; they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way. The brightest
future will always be based on a forgotten past; you
can't go forward in life until you let go of your past
failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying. You might want to send this
message to those people who mean something to
you; to those who have touched your life
in one way or another; to those who make you smile
when you really need it; to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down; to
those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who
are so meaningful in your life.


It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.

Boy Bastos Jokes

Boy Bastos and his father


Isang araw, nung maliit pa lang si Boy Bastos (mga two years old pa lang), sabay silang naligo ng tatay niya nang mapansin niya yung ari ng kanyang ama.

Boy Bastos: Tay, ano po yan?

Tatay: A, eto, a, eh, ano to....

Boy Bastos: Yan pong nakalawit na yan?

Tatay: A, anak, eh, tuta to.

Boy Bastos: Tangnang tuta yan, mukhang tite!!!
---------------------------

Boy Bastos in class


(May class recitation sina Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: Who can give me a word that starts with A? Okay, Maria.

Maria: Ma'am, apple.

Teacher: Good. Now who can give me a word that starts with B?

(Nobody raises a hand except for Boy Bastos)

Teacher: O, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, bra!!!

(Everybody laughs. The teacher makes a mental note to not call Boy Bastos again. However, when the teacher asked for a word that starts with the letter P, no one raised a hand, except for Boy Bastos, so the teacher is forced to call him.)

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, panty!!!

(Again, everybody laughs. So the teacher, again, made a mental note to herself to not call Boy Bastos again. But when the letter Z came up, nobody raised a hand, except, again, for Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: (to self) Siguro naman, hindi na siya makakapag - isip ng bastos na sagot sa Z.

Teacher: Okay, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, zebra......... pero twelve inches yung tite!!!

Ngayon, galit na galit yung teacher kay Boy Bastos. Ini - report siya sa principal, at ipinatawag ang parents niya. Pinagalitan siya ng tatay niya, at umiiyak na si Boy Bastos.

Tatay: O, ngayon, magbigay ka ng salita na nagsisimula sa Z.

Boy Bastos: Zebra...... pero two inches na lang yung tite!!!

-----------------------------------

Boy Bastos and his classmates


Boy Bastos and his classmates were having recess one time. While playing with the other boys, he decides to show off his "thing."

Boy Bastos: Mga tol, eto ang tite na "almost perfect."

Classmates: Almost perfect?

Boy Bastos: Kase, yung sa tatay ko, yung tatay ko, sabi niya, "perfect" yung tite niya.

Classmates: Bakit "almost perfect" lang yang sa yo?

Boy Bastos: Kung maikli lang nang konti eto, "perfect" na sana to.

-------------------------------------------

Boy Bastos Prepares for Marriage


Ikakasal na si Boy Bastos, kaya binigyan siya ng tatay niya ng pera para magkaroon ng experience. Bago, lumabas, nakita niya ang lola niya.

Lola: O, Boy Bastos, anong gagawin mo?

Boy Bastos: Binigyan po ako ni tatay ng pera para magkaroon ng experience.

Lola: Wag na, ako na lang. Ibigay mo na lang sa akin yung kalahati ng pera na yan.

Boy Bastos: Sandali lang, lola, sasabihin ko lang kay tatay.

Bumalik si Boy Bastos sa bahay at sinabi ang pinag - usapan nila ng lola niya sa tatay niya.

Boy Bastos: Pwede ba, tay?

Tatay: Hinde!!! Hindi mo pwedeng tirahin yung nanay ko.

Boy Bastos: E bakit yung nanay ko, tinira mo?

----------------------------------------------

The Son of Boy Bastos Searches for a Wife


Ngayon, matanda na si Boy Bastos at binata na ang kanyang anak. Pinayagan niya na itong maghanap ng asawa, ngunit sa isang kondisyon: kailangan niyang humanap ng asawang inosesnte pa.

Naisip ng anak niya na upang makakita siya ng inosente, ipapapakita niya ang kanyang ari sa babae at titingnan ang reaksion nito.

Nalibot niya ang buong mundo, ngunit hindi siya makakita ng babaeng hindi alam kung ano yun. Ngunit isang araw, nakakita siya ng babaeng mukhang inosente at ipinakita niya yung kanyang tite.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

So, naisip niya, inosente nga ito, akala niya uod yung pinakita ko sa kanya.

At inuwi niya yung babae sa bahay para ipakilala kay Boy Bastos. Para maipakitang inosente nga, pinakita niya ulit yung tite niya, this time sa harap ni Boy Bastos.

Anak: Ano to?

Babae: Uod, uod.

At nabilib si Boy Bastos, aba, inosente nga. Kaya sinubukan din ni Boy Bastos yung babae at ipinakita niya ang kanyang ari.

Boy Bastos: Ano to?

Babae: PUTANG INA, YAN ANG TITE!!!

-----------------------------------------

A Boy Bastos History Lesson


Jose Rizal at Maria Clara

Jose Rizal: Alam mo, Maria Clara, ikaw ang pinakamahinhing babaeng nakilala ko.

Maria Clara: Huuu, bola! Hilahin ko ang titi mo dyan eh.

-------------------------------------------

The Curse on Boy Bastos


Isang araw, dahil sa sobrang bastos ni Boy Bastos, kinulam siya ng isang mangkukulam (siyempre, ano pa ba yung kukulam sa kanya) at pinaliit ang tite niya. Naging gamunggo na lang yung tite niya!!! Isang taon daw siyang magiging ganito.

Ngayon, siyempre na bad-trip siya, kase, pucha naman, kahit sino namang kulamin mo at gawing gamunggo lang yung tite eh ma-ba bad trip, diba? Kaya siyempre nagtanong-tanong siya sa mga matatanda sa kanya kung paano maaalis yung kulam sa kanya.

Sabi ng lola niya, "Ahh, alam ko na. Pumunta ka sa ikapitong gubat ng ikapitong bundok pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Doon, meron kang makikitang matandang ermitanyo. Ngayon, merong ipapagawa sa yo yung ermitanyo, tapos, pwede ka nang mag-wish."

Kaya pumunta si Boy Bastos sa ikapitong gubat ng ikapitong bundok pagkatawid ng ikapitong ilog. Pagdating niya doon, meron siyang nakitang matandang unano na nakaupo sa isang bato. Kinausap ito ni Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: A, eh, mama, kayo ho ba yung matandang ermitanyo?

Matanda: Oo, amang, ako nga yon.

Boy Bastos: E, pwede niyo ho ba akong tulungan?

Matanda: Oo, pero me ipapagawa muna ako sa yo.

Boy Bastos: Ano po iyon?

Matanda: Pwede ba kitang tirahin sa pwet?

(Sandali, hindi pa yun yung joke!)

Nag-isip si Boy Bastos. Hindi naman siguro malaki yung tite nitong matandang to, eh wala pa atang 3 feet tong unanong to eh. Kesa naman isang taong gamunggo yung titi ko.

Boy Bastos: Sige ho payag ako!

Matanda: O sige, tuwad na!

Tumuwad si Boy Bastos. Inilabas ng matanda yung titi niya, nagulat si Boy Bastos dahil, putangna pare kasing laki ng dalawang brasong pinagdikit yung tite ng matandang unano. Sige tol, ipagdikit mo yung mga braso mo. Yung mga kamao mo, ganyan kalaki yung ulo nung etits ng matanda.

Hindi na nakahindi si Boy Bastos dahil naunahan na siya ng matanda. Binanatan ng matanda yung pwet ni Boy Bastos nang halos tatlong oras non-stop! Siguro, ngayon, pagkatapos nito, wala nang tunog ang utot ni Boy Bastos. Wala nang friction eh.

Pagkatapos, kinausap ni Boy Bastos ang matanda na abot-tenga ang ngiti.

Boy Bastos: Eh, mama, ngayon ho, pwede na ba akong mag-wish?

Matanda: Ala eh, amang , pagkatanda mo na e naniniwala ka pa sa mga wish-wish?

-------------------------------------------------

Boy Bastos in Florida


Isang araw, nasa Florida si Boy Bastos. Siyempre, maraming swamp sa lugar na yon. Ngayon, napunta siya sa isang bar na nag-aalok ng libreng beer. For life.

Siyempre, pumasok si Boy Bastos sa bar at tinanong niya yung bartender kung ano yung kailangang gawin para makuha yung free beer for life.

Sumagot ang bartender, "A, meron kang tatlong kailangang gawin. Una, nakikita mo yang gallon na yan? Yan ang pinakamatapang na gin sa buong Florida. Kailangan mong tunggain ang laman niyan nang isang lagok.

"Pangalawa, sa likod, naririnig mo yung ingay na yun? Sa likod, merong isang buwayang me toothache, umiiyak. Kailangan mo siyang bunutan ng ipin."

"Pangatlo, sa itaas, me isang babaeng hindi pa nakakaranas ng orgasm buong buhay nya. Kailangan mo siyang pasayahin at paranasin ng orgasm."

Naisip ni Boy Bastos na kayang-kaya nya to, kaya walang sabi-sabi eh tinungga niya yung isang gallon na gin. Straight.

Palakpakan ang mga tao sa bar. Sugod si Boy Bastos papunta sa likod ng bar, papunta sa buwaya.

Ang lakas ng sigawan sa likod, grabe, naghahalo yung mga sigaw ng buwaya at ni Boy Bastos. Siguro, mga thirty minutes na tuloy-tuloy, walang tigil. Takot na takot na yung mga tao. Tapos me isang malakas na sigaw, na sinundan ng katahimikan. Nag-aalala na yung mga tao.

Pagkatapos ng limang minuto, bumalik si Boy Bastos. Duguan ang mga damit nya at halos di na sya makalakad, grabe. Halos wala na rin siyang energy. Pero, sa natitira niyang lakas nakuha pa niyang magtanong, "NASAAN NA YUNG BABAENG MASAKIT ANG NGIPIN!?!"

------------------------------------------------------

Bolang Mabuhok


(May class recitation ulit sina Boy Bastos.)

Teacher: Okay, class, sinong makakapagbigay sa akin ng example ng isang bolang mabuhok? Ok, Maria.

Maria: Ma'am, tennis ball, ma'am.

Teacher: Okay, Maria, very good. Who can give me another? Ok, Juan.

Juan: Ma'am, rambutan po.

Teacher: Very good Juan.Ok, I need one more example before I dismiss you class. Ok, Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Ma'am, billiards ball.

Teacher: Ha? E makinis yung billiards ball, eh.

Boy Bastos: Hindi po, ma'am. Hoy, Billiard, ipakita mo nga kay ma'am yung bayag mo!

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Pambabae


Nasa isang mall si Boy Bastos nang bigla siyang ma-jingle. Pumunta siya sa pinakamalapit na CR pero sarado ang men's room. Dahil desperado, sa women's room na lang siya nag-CR. Nang palabas siya, nahuli siya ng janitor.

Janitor: Hoy, bakit dito ka umihe, hindi mo ba alam na pambabae itong CR na to?

Inilabas ni Boy Bastos ang tite at ipinakita sa janitor.

Boy Bastos: E bakit ito, hindi ba ito pambabae?

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Kutsara


Nagtrabaho sa isang restaurant si Boy Bastos bilang isang waiter. Habang kinukuha ang order ng isang customer, natabig ng customer ang kutsara niya. Agad namang dumukot sa kanyang bulsa si Boy Bastos ng kutsara sa bulsa niya. Nabilib ang customer.

Customer: Astig ah! Lahat ba kayong waiter dito, merong kutsarang ready sa bulsa?

Boy Bastos: Opo. Meron kasi kaming "efficiency expert" dito. Sabi niya, 23.6% ng mga customer, natatabig ang mga kutsara. Para makatipid sa oras ng lakad, meron na kaming ready na kutsara sa bulsa.

Natapos nang kumain ang customer at kinuha niya na ang chit niya. Napansin niyang merong nakalabas na tali mula sa zipper ni Boy Bastos.

Customer: Bakit ka merong tali diyan sa zipper mo?

Boy Bastos: Lahat kaming waiter dito, merong ganyan. Nakakabit yan sa ari namin, para pag-iihe kami, hindi na namin kailangang hawakan para ilabas. Sabi kasi nung "efficiency expert" namin, 15.6% ng oras ang nauubos sa pag-hugas ng kamay pagkagaling sa CR.

Customer: Matanong ko lang, pa'no mo ibinabalik yung ari mo sa pantalon?

Boy Bastos: Ewan ko lang sa ibang waiter ha, pero ako ginagamit ko yung kutsara.

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Tong-its Session


Isang hapon, naglalaro ng tong-its si Boy Bastos at ang iba nyang mga kaibigan. Nandun sila sa bahay ng kaibigan nyang si Pedro.

Problema lang, ang kulit-kulit ng anak ni Pedro na limang taon pa lang. Sinisilip nya ang baraha ng mga naglalaro at sinisigaw akung ano yung baraha, kaya nasisira yung laro nila.

Dahil dito, na-bad trip na talaga si Boy Bastos, kaya hinila nya yung bata at dinala nya sa kwarto. After 15 minutes, bumalik si Boy Bastos sa mesa, na hindi na kasama yung bata. Tuloy sila nang laro.

Natapos yung session nila nang madaling araw na. Napansin nila na mula nung dinala ni Boy Bastos sa kwarto yung bata, hindi na bumalik para mangulit.

Nagtanong si Pedro tungkol sa anak nya, "Boy Bastos, anong ginawa mo sa anak ko, pa'no mo napatigil sa pangungulit?"

"Andun sa kwarto, tinuruan kong mag-jakol."

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After a Hot Date


After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa birdie ni Boy Bastos.

Boy Bastos: Gusto mo ulit?

Girl: Hindi, nami-miss ko lang, meron kasi ako dati nito eh!

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More (Corny) Boy Bastos


"Nanay, hayop po ba ang tahong?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina.

"Hindi, anak," sagot ng ina. "Sea food 'yun. Bakit mo naitanong?"

"Kasi, sabi ni Itay, 'Inday, hayop ang tahong mo! Ang laki! Ang dami mo pang kangkong!'"



"Nanay, hayop po ba ang talong?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina nang sumunod na araw.

"Hindi, anak," sagot ng ina. "Gulay ang talong. Bakit mo naman naitanong 'yan?"

"Kasi, narinig ko si Inday na sumigaw, 'Kuya, hayop ang talong mo! Ang laki!'"



Sabay na naligo si Boy Bastos at ang kanyang ina. Napansin ni Boy Bastos ang buhok na tumatakip sa ari ng kanyang ina.

"Inay, ano 'yang itim na damo sa harapan mo?" tanong ni Boy Bastos.

"Ah, eh, escoba ito," pagsisinungaling ng ina.

"Kaya pala makinis ang mukha ni Daddy," sabi ni Boy Bastos. "

Kasi, kita ko siya, palaging ikinikiskis niya ang mukha niya sa escoba ni Inday."



Nagpapayabangan sina Boy Bastos at Totoy Mola.

"Ang galing ng tatay ko, kumakain ng apoy 'yon," sabi ni Totoy Mola.

"Mas magaling ang tatay ko, kumakain ng tela!" sagot ni Boy Bastos.

"Niloloko mo naman ako, eh!"

"Hindi, ah! Kagabi, narinig ko si itay, sabi niya kay inay, 'Alisin mo na 'yang panty mo, love, at kakainin ko na?'"



"Bakit malaki ang tiyan mo?" tanong ni Boy Bastos sa kanyang ina.

"Dahil may ginawa kami ni daddy, baby brother mo," sagot ng ina.

"Bakit malaki ang tiyan ni daddy?"

"A, iyon? Sa kakainom niya ng beer."

"Ah? Akala ko sa kaiihip ni yaya sa ari niya, eh," sagot ni Boy Bastos.



Test ng English class nina Boy Bastos. Ipinatawag ng principal ang kanilang teacher. Si Boy Bastos ang naatasan na magmando ng mga kaklase niya.

"Tandaan mo, Boy Bastos," paalala ng teacher. "Pagkatapos ng kalahating oras, kahit hindi pa sila tapos, erase mo na ang mga tanong sa blackboard at ipasa na nila ang papel nila."

"Opo, teacher," sagot ni Boy Bastos.

"Inglisin mo, ha!"

"Opo, teacher."

Lumabas ang guro at nagpatuloy ang eksam. Pagkatapos ng kalahating oras, tumayo si Boy Bastos sa harapan ng klase niya para magsalita, "Sabi ni titser kung penis na kayo, buburatin ko na ang blackboard, baka mapekpek ninyo ang test kaya penis or not penis, fuck your pepe," taglish na utos ni Boy Bastos.



Natutulog sa Religion class niya si Boy Bastos habang nagtuturo ang guro. "Sino ang may gawa ng mundo?" tanong ng guro at nakatingin kay Boy Bastos na natutulog. Napansin ito ni Girly Landi kaya tinusok niya si Boy Bastos ng lapis at nagising bigla si Boy Bastos.

"Diyos ko!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos sa gulat.

"Very good," sabi ng teacher kaya bumalik ulit sa pagtulog si Boy Bastos.

"At sino ang reyna ng buong kalangitan?" tanong ulit ng guro at napansin na naman niya si Boy Bastos na natutulog kaya tinusok na naman ito ni Girly Landi ng matulis na lapis. Napasigaw na naman ito.

"Sus Marya!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos. "Tama ulit, ngayon, ano ang sinabi ni Eba kay Adan pagkapanganak niya?" Tinusok na naman ni Girly Landi si Boy Bastos at tuluyan nang nagalit si Boy Bastos.

"Tigilan mo na 'yang katutusok sa akin, kundi, babaliin ko 'yan!" sigaw ni Boy Bastos na ikinahimatay ng teacher nila."

The Greatest Pieces of Advice

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking. :-)

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what youcan be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, anddangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.

Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets morechallenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow UP!

Charles Schultz's Philosophy

Note: You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read this message straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that he is trying to make!

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through life.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?


The Lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

My One-eyed mother

here is a nice story worth reading and reflecting upon..
----------------------------------------------------------------

My mom only had one eye.
I hated her... she was such an embarrassment...
my mom ran a small shop at a flea market.
She collected little weeds and such to sell...
anything for the money we needed
she was such an embarrassment.
There was this one day during elementary school...
it was field day, and my mom came.
I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to
me? I threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school...
"Your mom only has one eye?!?!...and they
taunted me.
I wished that my mom would just disappear from
this world so I said to my mom,
"mom... why dont you have the other eye?!
If you're only going to make me a laughingstock,
why dont you just die?!!!"
My mom did not respond...
i guess i felt a little bad, but at the same time, it
felt good to think that i had said what Id wanted to
say all this time...
maybe it was because my mom hadnt punished
me, but i didnt think that i had hurt her feelings very
badly. That night...
I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she
was afraid that she might wake me.
I took a look at her, and then turned away.
Because of the thing I had said to her earlier, there
was something pinching at me in the corner of my
heart.
Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of
her one eye. So I told myself that I would grow up
and become successful.
Cause I hated my one-eyed mom and our
desperate poverty...
Then I studied real hard.
I left my mother and came to Seoul and studied,
and got accepted in the Seoul University with all
the confidence I had.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
Then I had kids, too...
now Im living happily as a successful man.
I like it here because it's a place that doesnt
remind me of my mom.
This happiness was getting bigger and bigger,
when...
What?!
Who's this?!
...it was my mother...
..Still with her one eye.
It felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.
My little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye.
And I asked her,
"who are you?!"
"I dont know you!!!" as if trying to make that real. I
screamed at her," How dare you come to my
house and scare my daughter!"
"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered,
"oh, Im so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong
address,"
and she disappeared out of sight.
Thank good ness... she doesnt recognize me...
i was quite relieved.

I told myself that I wasnt going to care, or think
about this for the rest of my life.
Then a wave of relief came upon me...
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came
to my house. So, lying to my wife that I was going
on a business trip, I went.
After the reunion, I went down to the old shack,
that I used to call a house...just out of curiosity
there, i found my mother fallen on the cold ground.
but i did not shed a single tear.
she had a piece of paper in her hand.... it was a
letter to me. my son...
i think my life has been long enough now..
And... i wont visit Seoul anymore...
but would it be too much to ask if i wanted you to
come visit me once in a while?
i miss you so much... and i was so glad when i
heard you were coming for the reunion.
but i decided not to go to the school.
...for you...
and Im sorry that i only have one eye, and i was
an embarrassment for you.
you see, when you were very little, you got into
an
accident, and lost your eye. as a mom, i couldnt
stand watching you having to grow up with only
one eye... so i gave you mine...
i was so proud of my son that was seeing a
whole
new world for me, in my place, with that eye. i
was
never upset at you for anything you did... the
couple times that you were angry with me, i
thought to myself, 'it's because he loves me.. 'my
son... oh, my son...
i dont want you to cry for me, because of my
death. please dont cry...
my son, i love you so much...

Pinoy Joke: Ang pag-uwi ni nanay

Registered nurse si Maria sa States. Kasama nya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot din doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Maria.
Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin
ng mga kapamilya niya na dikit ang mukha sa salamin ng ataul. Nagcomment tuloy and isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika!"

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong.

Aba! May sulat sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa.

Ito'y isang liham mula kay Maria: (magbaon ng panyo)


Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid,

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $1,000 na.

Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...

1. Nasa likod ni nanay ang 24 na corned beef;

2. And adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay;

3. Ang 5 pairs ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng 2 blue Jansports na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo;

4. Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate/candy ay nasa puetan ni nanay; (Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi matunaw ang mga ito);

5) Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. (Gift ko sa 1st b'day ng bata. )

6) Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. (Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay,
japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. )

7) Suot ni nanay ang 3 Ralph Lauren, 4 Gap, at 2 Old Navy t-shirts. (Isa kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta. );

8) Suot din ni inay ang 6 pantyhoses at 3 warmers para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.

9) May 1 dozen NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. (Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, Dikong, & Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume).

10) Ang 2 pairs ng Nike wristbands/kneecaps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, Diko, na nagbabasketball.

11) Tigalawang ream ng Marlboro green at Winston Lights ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.

12) 4 jars ng Skippy Peanut Butter, 2 dishwashing liquids, 1 Kiwi glass cleaner, at tig-aanim na Colgates/AquaFresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan ha?

13) 1 dozen WonderBras na gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iska, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya.

14) Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Kunin mo agad, tatay.

15) Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) na gustong-gusto mo, Ditse, ay suot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, Ditse.

16) 1 RayBan ladies sunglasses na pa-b'day ko kay Ninang Berta, hindi ko pinasuot kay nanay.(Isiniksik ko na lang sa may bandang ulunan ni nanay. Nasa pink na plastik na maliit.)

17) Mga Chanel/Champion na medyas, suot-suot din ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo, mga pamangkin ko.

18) Misc: Mga pampers, pantyliners, cottonbuds/balls, table napkins, at mga scotchbrite na may foam ay natatakpan ng mga puting bath towels... yon bale ang pinangkutson ko sa kabaong ni
nanay.

(Marami-rami rin yon. Parte-parte rin kayo.)

Marami pa akong ipinagsisiksik kung saan-saang parte gaya ng cafe, coffee creamer, ilang vienna sausages na delata, barbie dolls, toothbrushes, papercups, plastic spoons/forks, paper/styrofoam plates, perfumes/colognes, pens, stationaries, envelopes, soaps, matchbox toys, used t-shirts, handtowels, CD's, VHS tapes, padlocks, tools gaya ng screwdrivers, plais,
longnose, atbp. na hindi ko na na-itemize dahil nagmamadali ako.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si Nanay pa ang maiwan.

Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, Dikong, at Ditse. Para sa inyo lahat yan. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Paki-doublecheck ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.

Nagmamahal,
Maria

P.S. Pakibihisan ninyo agad si Nanay!

The King and His Four Wives

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult
times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone." Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

”No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives:


Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasure rest of the world. However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

Men vs. Women

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I (the cashier) asked, after folding up the items for the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - (FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I
can't believe that, show me " The wife fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"


THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK
CAN HANDLE IT.

Mr Bean's guide to fun in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it isn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say: "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask: "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others: "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Te ll people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out: "group hug!" - then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask "Hey Little guy, you got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror "You're one of THEM aren't you!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sitall day by the door of your house and bark at anyonewho comes in or walks by. For this, I will give you alife span of 20 years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. Howabout only 10 years and I'll give you back the other10?"So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. Forthis, I'll give you a 20-year life span."The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's apretty long time to perform. How about I give you back10 like the dog did?"And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "Youmust go into the field with the farmer all day longand suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk tosupport the farmer's family. For this, I will give youa life span of 60 years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want meto live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give backthe other 40?"And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat,sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'llgive you 20 years."But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly giveme my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkeygave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes80, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, playand enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave inthe sun to support our family. For the next 10 yearswe do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porchand bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Pinoy Jokes: Expand Your Vocabulary

1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
9) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING>
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka egg
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Thesis - ito ay...

Old Pinoy Jokes

Ibang posisyon
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That?s a good idea dear?.doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

Pinoy ingenuity?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man ' s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It ' s called a magnifiying glass.

Vibrating cellphone
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, nagba - vibrate.
Mr: E anong gagawin ko? Kukunin ko sa panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger baka ma-low bat!

Regalo
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni PARE ang birthday gift mo ah?
Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

Kriminal
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIM INAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya...

Si Gino
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: Lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

Tutpik
Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang mabali.
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan,pero kayo lang nakabali!

Confident Vs. Confidential
Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

Panchito, Babalu, Dolphy
Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC -- Alak, Babae at Cigarette.
Babalu: Ako naman DEF -- Damo, Egg at Frutas.
Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.

First love never dies
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies?"
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang animal!

Suko sa mister
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.

Pagod daw...
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

Pari't Madre
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!

Estudyante
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500 Studiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa studiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL ok yun!

After the wedding
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

Pamboboso
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun, ah ! Ano ginawa mo?
Anak: Inalis ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di n'ya makita!

Promotion
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko, ha?
Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

Ampon
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!

Ang sulat
Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

Immigration
Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: Your name please...
A: Abdul Aziz
Q: Sex?
A: Twice a week.
Q: I mean male or female?
A: Does not matter...sometimes even with camel.

Liit naman
Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ! ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: E bat ikaw naka brief !!!

Downy
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba syempre ah!!! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!!!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

Hide and Seek
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lng ako ng piano...

Ngongo
dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!

Madre
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po cla...d nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.
Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!!

Rape Suspek
ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape
sayo?
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...
SUSPEK: cge!...mangasar ka pa!!!!

Lost a Bird
a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, any1 seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant any1 seen my bird?
...all nuns stood up

Dalawang Sira ulo....
Sira1: Magaling ka na ba?
Sira2: Oo namn!!!
Sira1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?
Sira2: Ano ko cra? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag pa ko!!!

TEACHER and BOY
TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: baket naman?
BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.

Life's Lessons

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon

Filipino Expressions and their Hidden Meanings

1. "mwah" means "i love you" (haaayyyy kaya pala)
2. "la lang" means "i miss you" or "love kita, di mo alam?"
3. "ok ka lang?" means " ano ka hilo?!?!"
4. "hay nako!" means " seryoso ako"
5. "ingat ka lagi" means "i care for you"
6. "musta na?" means " sino'ng love mo?"
7. "secret" means " ikaw"-> oo ikaw!
8. "ano'ng problema mo?" means " hurt naman ako"
9. "kayo pa rin ba?" means "ako naman"
10. "chick boy ka pala eh!" means " ang kapal mo!!!"
11. "grabe ha!!!" means " selos ako"
12. "saan?" means " sama ako!"
13. "shit!" means "tae!! pinaganda lang"
14. "inaantok na ako" means "wala kang kwentang kausap"
15. "may gagawin pa ako eh" means "maghanap ka ng kausap mo"
16. "bakit naman?" means "alam mo namang ikaw lang"
17. "nakakaaliw ka" means " ang cute mo "
18. "ewan" means " oo "
19. "ganon?" means "kapal mo!!"
20. "eh kasi" means "nahihiya ako"
21. "talaga lang ha?" means "naku, bola!!"
22. "basta" means "magtanong ka pa"
23. "busy ka?" means " kausapin mo naman ako
24. "pwede ba" means " mas cute naman ako sa kanya "
25. "may kasabay ka?" means "nood tayo ng sine & kain sa labas"
26. "miss nahulog" means "anong number mo?"
27. "magwiwithdraw pa ako" means "pucha naman, ikaw muna!!"
28. "may bar ya ka sa 100?" means "pautang muna, sa sweldo na kita babayaran"
29. "kawawa ka naman" means "buti nga... sabi ko sayo eh!"
30. "susunod ako" means "umalis ka na! ang kulit mo eh"
31. "thank you sa gift ha" means "ang cheap mo naman

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Filipino Jokes: Mga Natutunan Ko Kay Inay at Itay

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo,
kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC.
"Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng
sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY.
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA.
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER.
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan
ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin
sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag-inarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY.
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING.
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR.
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano
ang JUSTICE.
"Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak magiging katulad mo at
magiging sakit din sa ulo!"