I. Ang galing ng Pilipino:
1) A couple placed an ad,”Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter.”
Responses: Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
2) Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children.
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
3) Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
(what does one say when they fart?)
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
II. Married Life
1) May isang tsinoy na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: “HUWAG KA BAYAD
RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”
2) Husband: “Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”
Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”
Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”
Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”
3) Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
4) Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
5) Husband: “Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!”
Wife: “Hay naku, Honey … SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin”
6) Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!”
Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”
Friend: “Surprise? Ano occasion?”
Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”
III. Other Jokes:
1) Health Advisory: “Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints…. men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting !”
2) Little girl: “Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut!”
Mommy: “You mean, it’s small?”
Little girl: “No, it’s SALTY”
3) Question: Who designed the female human body?
Answer: A Civil Engineer. who else would run a toxic waste pipeline thru a recreational area?!
4) Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!
5) Sa hardin ng Paraiso …
Adam: Lord, di ko na kaya ang tukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso sa iyo?
Adam: SUPOT! SUPOT!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Top Ten Rejection Lines
Top Ten Rejection Lines by Women (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
In response...
The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
In response...
The male perspective on the same issue ...
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
..and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
19 Ways to Know You're a Woman
1. You are a Bitch.
2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'
6. Whine.
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain.
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'
6. Whine.
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain.
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Great Quotes by Great Ladies
Inside every older lady is a younger lady --
wondering what the hell happened?
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But
I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them as strayeyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in
through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes
several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just
have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.
And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be
wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can
ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If
you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
wondering what the hell happened?
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But
I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them as strayeyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in
through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes
several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just
have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.
And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be
wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can
ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If
you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Love, Lust, and Marriage
LOVE ----- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST ----- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE ----- When intercourse is called 'making love.'
LUST ----- When intercourse is called 'screwing.'
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE ----- When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST ----- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE ----- When you share everything you own.
LUST ----- When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE ----- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST ----- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE ----- When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST ----- When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE ----- When you write poems about your partner.
LUST ----- When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE ----- When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST ----- When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE ----- When your farewell is 'I love you, darling...'
LUST ----- When your farewell is 'So, same time next week...'
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE ----- When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST ----- When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE ----- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST ----- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE ----- When nobody else matters.
LUST ----- When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE ----- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST ----- When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE ----- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST ----- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE ----- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST ----- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
LUST ----- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE ----- When intercourse is called 'making love.'
LUST ----- When intercourse is called 'screwing.'
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE ----- When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST ----- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE ----- When you share everything you own.
LUST ----- When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE ----- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST ----- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE ----- When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST ----- When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE ----- When you write poems about your partner.
LUST ----- When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE ----- When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST ----- When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE ----- When your farewell is 'I love you, darling...'
LUST ----- When your farewell is 'So, same time next week...'
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE ----- When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST ----- When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE ----- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST ----- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE ----- When nobody else matters.
LUST ----- When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE ----- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST ----- When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE ----- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST ----- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE ----- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST ----- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Pinoy Joke: Utot ng Kabayo
Meron isang babae nastranded sa isang madilim na lugar. Nasiraan siya ng kotse at walang masakyan pauwi, hanggang sa meron dumating na kalesa.
Babae: Mamang Kutsero, pwede po ba akong makisakay?
Kutsero: Pwede pero may bayad.
Babae: Eh mama, wala po akong pera.
Kutsero: Hmmm... sige pasasakayin kita sa isang condition, bawat UTOT ng kabayo ko, kakantutin kita.
Nabigla ang babae, hindi niya alam ang gagawin at di siya sigurado kung meron pang dadaan sa lugar na yun.
Kaya....
Babae: Sige na payag na ako.
Atdali-daling pinasakay na siya ng Kutsero.
Malayo ang bahay ng babae, nung paakyat sila sa unang bundok biglaang napautot ang kabayo... puuooooooot
Kutsero: Paano ba yan miss, halika na at kantutan na tayo
Bumaba ang dalawa at sarap na sarap ang mamang kutsero. Sumakay sila at lumakbay ulit, di nagtagal at napautot na naman ang kabayo.
Kutsero: Oh paano yan miss isa pa, hehe
Tatlong beses pang umutot ang kabayo at tatlong beses din kinantot ng kutsero ang baabe, nung pang apat na utot ng kabayo, sa sobrang takam ng kutsero bigla din itong napautot, biglang sabi ng kabayo...
Kabayo: Eh Paano ba yan Bossing, Ako naman......
Babae: Mamang Kutsero, pwede po ba akong makisakay?
Kutsero: Pwede pero may bayad.
Babae: Eh mama, wala po akong pera.
Kutsero: Hmmm... sige pasasakayin kita sa isang condition, bawat UTOT ng kabayo ko, kakantutin kita.
Nabigla ang babae, hindi niya alam ang gagawin at di siya sigurado kung meron pang dadaan sa lugar na yun.
Kaya....
Babae: Sige na payag na ako.
Atdali-daling pinasakay na siya ng Kutsero.
Malayo ang bahay ng babae, nung paakyat sila sa unang bundok biglaang napautot ang kabayo... puuooooooot
Kutsero: Paano ba yan miss, halika na at kantutan na tayo
Bumaba ang dalawa at sarap na sarap ang mamang kutsero. Sumakay sila at lumakbay ulit, di nagtagal at napautot na naman ang kabayo.
Kutsero: Oh paano yan miss isa pa, hehe
Tatlong beses pang umutot ang kabayo at tatlong beses din kinantot ng kutsero ang baabe, nung pang apat na utot ng kabayo, sa sobrang takam ng kutsero bigla din itong napautot, biglang sabi ng kabayo...
Kabayo: Eh Paano ba yan Bossing, Ako naman......
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